There was an Old Man of the West,
Who never could get any rest;
So they set him to spin
On his nose and chin,
Which cured that Old Man of the West.
Where does Google keep their ships?
In the Google Docs.
Which color is a zebra's base color? The debate is endless, and there is no clear answer.
It both is and isn't a black-and-white issue.
After all is red and done, all the colors in the rainbow are equally beautiful.
"The trouble with always trying to preserve the health of the body is that it is so difficult to do without destroying the health of the mind." - G.K. Chesterton
My neighbor asked me if he could borrow my lawnmower. It told him he could; if he did not take it out of my yard.
What would’ve happen if the Apollo astronauts stayed on the lunar surface for too long?
They would’ve been lunatics.
Drinking tea while being too calm can kill you, did you know?
It's called a casual tea.
Tesla just announced they’ll be including a bottle of their new cologne now with every car sold
It’s called Elon’s Musk
Which dinosaur can't stay out of the rain? A Stegosaur-rust
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? Because he heard the cakes were rich.
What do you call a polar bear in Florida?
A solar bear.
If I had a dollar every time one of my professors complained about the collapsing American democratic society, I would have a small loan of a million dollars.
Why did the zombie go to the doctor?
Because of his coffin.
The difference between popcorn and pea soup, is that you can pop corn, but you can't pea soup.
Why did Larry the lizard leave his lover longing?
he had ... a reptile dysfunction
If there were ten cats in a boat and one jumped out, how many would be left? None, because they were all copycats!
What did the father say whilst teaching his kid to tie his shoelaces?
Knot bad
A truck with an entire load of strawberries has crashed on the motorway. It's caused a real traffic jam.
Did you hear about the psychic hermit crab?
Makes shell-fulfilling prophecies.
The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.
Little Johnny got up to read his.
It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week."
"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"
"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."
Do you like the internet? Because I can put you on there if you come back to my place.
I entered an auction on Ebay for a water butt cleaner.
But, I got out-bidet.
"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy." ~ Groucho Marx
Where did the music teacher leave her keys?
In the piano.
What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby’s crib?
A snowmobile!
What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted!
Where do American trees like to go for vacations in Canada? Montreeal.
How did the frog feel when he hurt his leg?
Unhoppy
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? "Boy, I'm stuffed!"
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
Why do girls scouts sell cookies? They wanna make a sweet first impression.
Hi, my name is Will. God's Will.
You must be a C major scale... All natural.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.
Why was the cheese asked to leave the restaurant?
The cook said “we don’t serve your rind here”.
Hi, I'm a fashion photographer. Would you like to be in my next photo shoot?
Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it's broken, but you can still see the crack in that bastard's reflection.
Lady Gaga
If dolphins lived on land, which country would they live in?
Finland!
In Ireland, when the cows are in the road it’s udder chaos.
What are your plans tonight? I’ll be free if you’re feeling a little Leo-nly…
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
They say March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. Ewe might say it leaves sheepishly.
How do you move a piece of furniture at the weather station?
With four casters.
What do you call a goat that’s lazy?
Billy Idle.
Remember, Irish puns on St. Patrick's Day don't just shame you. They Seamus all.
Does February like March?
No, but April May.
"99 Dogs"
I saw two people heading off for a walk
with 99 dogs in a pack.
So, I asked them why they had so many dogs,
and they thought for a while and said back,
“We’ve tried having different numbers of dogs:
from a lot to hardly any.
The lesson we’ve learned is 98’s not enough
but 100 dogs is too many.”
“My Week is like: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Blink, Monday.”
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