My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....
He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again.
Why does the dolphin kingdom never go to war?
Because it would defeat the porpoise.
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
Why do astronauts use linux?
because you can't open windows in space.
How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of crime?
They just ransomware.
What’s black and white and red all over?
A sunburned panda.
There was an Old Man of Vesuvius,
Who studied the works of Vitruvius;
When the flames burnt his book,
To drinking he took,
That morbid Old Man of Vesuvius.
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
Why are mountains not just funny? Because they are hilarious.
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
“Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.”
- Elbert Hubbard
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk?
Dirty looks from the mouse!
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas A. Edison
What do you call a parrot without feathers? Bald!
Vegans really have a beef with meat.
You're so beautiful; your birthday should be a national holiday.
Q: What does a tiger call an antelope?
A: Fast food.
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
When the ghost saw his wife he said 'you're not just cute, you're boo-tiful too!'
I think you are just A-Cora-able
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
What did the pinecone say to the pineapple? Nice to meet juice.
Your shirt must be made out of husband material.
Mum, you are my soup-er star.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only 2. They'll fit.
What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
A beaver's experience in college deep-ends on if they go to the best university.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be dead
Than stuck with you!
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
Why didn't the hipster swim in the river? It was too mainstream.
Where do ghosts play volleyball at? At the volleyball corpse.
What kind of chocolate do ghouls like?
Hearse-sheys!
Q: Why are tigers religious?
A: Because they prey frequently, and prey as a family!
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
What did the king say when he heard that the peasants were revolting? He said he agrees because they never bathe and always stink.
Q. Where do computers keep their money?
A. In a data bank.
What’s a horse’s favorite dinosaur?
The broncosaurus.
I’ve been told that I need to stop making puns about meat… But I just can’t stop cold turkey.
I managed to fix the toilet all on my own today! I'm so proud of myself. Some would even go as far as to say I'm...
flushed with success.
My shampoo bottle was empty. I turned to the only other bottle in the shower and said, "help me body wash...
You're my only soap!"
She drank so much coffee at work, she considered it part of her daily grind.
There was an Old Man of Coblenz,
The length of whose legs was immense;
He went with one prance
From Turkey to France,
That surprising Old Man of Coblenz.
A blonde goes to a soda machine.
She puts in a dollar and gets a soda.
She does this again and again.
A man in line behind her asks why she is taking so long.
She says, "Can't you see I'm winning?"
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
I saw a guy trying to cross a really busy street. Trying to be helpful, I said, “You know, there is a zebra crossing 50ft ahead.”
He said, “I hope he’s having a better luck than I am.”
"Dad, what's it called if I like both boys and girls," the buffalo said.
"I believe would be a bi-son," his father replied.
Hey I love your shoes, they would look even better if they were running alongside me.
Do you like short love affairs? I hate them - I've got all weekend.
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
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