Tried acting in a theatre full of farmers. Got mooed off stage.
Are you Vietnamese? Cause I'm falling pho you.
Accidentally ran over a French seal today .
Phoque.
I should change my name to Billy and get a job as a radio show presenter.
Then I can finally be a Billy-on-air.
What a spud muffin.
What happened when they planted new bamboo trees at the zoo?
It was pandamonium out there!
The bread baker won the girl over because he kept giving her a flour. How sweet!
The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.
Why is the strawberry loved dearly by everyone? Because it is berry sweet.
What kind of fish performs brain surgery?
A neurosturgeon.
The aspiring comedian has an unbe-leaf-able collection of autumn jokes, but they are all falling flat.
What is the definition of a slug? A snail with a housing problem!
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
Do you have a name you want me to save you as on my phone or should I just put 'mine'?
What did God say to the polar bears when they told him they hate spring and summer?
Well, they can't all be winters.
It’s so cold the local graveyard put heaters out for the ghosts.
Q: What did Julius Caesar’s pet windmill say?
A: I came, I spun, I conquered.
Who was the most flatulent Pharaoh in all of old Egypt?
King Tootsarecommon.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
What do you call it when your nose is stuffy at the rodeo?
Cowboy Boogie.
What do you call a group of penniless Viking grave diggers?
The poor norsemen of the necropolis.
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a woodpecker?
A bird that talks in morse code!
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, I bet this chair lift weighs enough to break the ice.
Alone in his pen.
Sits solemn and scared,
For they 'did in' his hen.
They took her off Sunday,
Then snuffed out her life.
And now he's alone,
Cause they've eaten his wife.
Thanksgiving now over,
He preens with relief.
He can muster a gobble,
Along with his grief.
He pecks round his pen,
For some 'scratch' sprinkled there.
Grows quite happy again,
Not remotely aware . .
That Christmas is coming
For family and friend,
And for Christmas, at dinner;
They'll eat turkey again.
- Diane Lefebvre
Why didn't the ghost dance at the party? He had no body to dance with.
You can dump tea in my harbor any time.
“Demanding something from a Scorpio is a sure way to not have it happen.”
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? De-brie went everywhere!
What does a deer say when it prays to the god?
“Deer God!”
Does anyone remember the joke about the sodium deposits? Na.
As I was preparing to leave the restaurant, the waiter said to me, “Do you wanna box for your leftover food?”
I said, “No thanks, but I’ll wrestle you for them.”
I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn't cure it but it keeps the bed sheets off my legs at night.
Where does a cow hang his best paintings? In a moo-seum, of course.
Funny Inspirational and Motivational Quotes
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
Zig Ziglar
What do baseball players eat at White Castle?
Sliders.
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
The lettuce was ahead while the tomato tried to ketchup.
Baby you make my telescope expand.
I was worried you’d just be a pretty face, but Olivia looks real good to me
If a goat grows a beard, is it a goatee?
Why did the bus stop in the middle of the street? It saw a zebra crossing.
Why’d you dress up as a princess, when you could have simply come in plain clothes as the most beautiful girl at the Halloween party?
What do you call it when you get a month’s worth of rain at once?
England.
“Dear winter, I’m breaking up with you. I think it’s time I start seeing other seasons. Summer is hotter than you.”
If you pull the pin out of a grenade, is it possible to put it back in it so it won't explode?
I kinda need a quick response...
What do you get when you cross a chili pepper, a shovel and a terrier?
A hot-diggity-dog.
What do you call bears with no ears?
B.
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
- Groucho Marx.
How can a bear catch fish without a pole?
They use their bear hands.
“This has been such a Monday! I wish I stayed in bed, and I wish that yesterday had never happened.”
– Lisa Mantchev
Pursuing phantoms
Came in the night
From hells realm
Making me take flight
I was so mortally scared
I needed a Bracer
And I quickly followed it
With a Chaser
Though spirituous liquors’
Have their merits
They were no defence
Against evil spirits
- Paul Curtis
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