What did the witch get her cat for entertainment?
A cat-alog.
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
How do you prepare a Gorilla sundae? Your start getting it ready Fridae and Saturdae!
How many volleyball referees do you need to screw in a light bulb? None because they are always in the dark.
Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.
Why do math teachers make good dancers?
Because they have algorithm.
Why do ghosts and demons get along so well? Demons are a ghoul’s best friend.
What do we learn from cows, buffaloes and elephants?
It’s impossible to reduce weight by eating green grass and salads and walking.
It's so hot that you can fry an egg on the sidewalk!
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ike.
Ike who?
Ike can rock your world, baby.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Frank
Frank who?
Frank you for being my friend!
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
What did the old Egyptian get by staring at the river?
See-Nile!
What do you call friends with airpods in their ears
Earbuds.
What is the name of the device that the king uses to control the moat around his castle? A remoat control.
The weather outside is snow joke.
“It’s a bit unnerving That doctors call what they do practice.”
Unknown
What goes up and down but doesn't move? The temperature!
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
A gazillion gigantic grapes gushed
gradually giving gophers gooey guts.
These days, knights love to watch movies, and their favorite genre is the horror and the action genre. Also, I am pretty sure that their favorite movie is 'Knight Of The Living Dead.'
What did the pig say on a hot summer’s day?
I’m bacon!
Why did the tectonic plates break up? It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
Did you hear about the battery and the volleyball who got into a fight? The volleyball is waiting to go to church and the battery was charged.
Did you hear Ireland is the fastest-growing country in Europe?
Its population is always Dublin.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke
“I bought a new jacket for a hiking trip. It’s called a trail blazer.”
Someone keyed the music teacher’s car.
Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor.
I think I'm going to remove my spine.
It's only holding me back.
What type of trunks do foresters wear to the swimming pool?
Tree trunks!
I love you more than the sun and moon
I loved you since you left the womb
I love you though you are quite hairy
And I never find it scary
Even when you pick your toes
My love for you only grows
(Anonymous)
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
The only difference between a band teacher and a banned teacher
is what they were bangin
How many drum sets can you store on a sofa?
One per cushion
Rivers are...
the original streaming service.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, You make my heart skip, I think I have Mobitz type II!
Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.
All things must grass.
It takes one to snow one.
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
what do doctors use to draw blood?
A needle?
No, a red crayon!
“Money often costs too much." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
I couldn't stop laughing when my father warned my brother, saying, "If you hack my Microsoft Office, I will find you, you have my Word".
Where do elves vote?
The North Poll.
Your name must be Autumn because I am falling for you.
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
Everything Mum – by Joanna Fuchs
How did you do it all, Mom
Be a chauffeur, cook, and friend?
Yet find time to be a playmate,
I just can’t comprehend.
I see now it was love, Mum
That made you come whenever I’d call,
Your inexhaustible love, Mum
And I thank you for it all.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur A lickalotopis
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