Geology rocks but Geography is where it's at.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken!
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.” Douglas Adams.
I just heard that the government has made an amendment to lockdown to allow Father Christmas out...
It's called the Santa Clause
Why did the man wear a rabbit as a hat? He didn’t want anyone to harm a Hare on his head!
I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring.
What kind of egg did the bad chicken lay? A deviled egg!
What do fish use to weigh themselves?
Scales!
It took me forever to figure out where my mustache went.
Turns out, it was right under my nose the whole time.
Even Mozart couldn't make a composition as beautiful as you
What did the rainbow say to the other rainbow? Nothing, it was feeling blue.
When you cross a wolf and a monkey, you end up with a howler monkey.
The police came to arrest me after I tried to play my cat like a violin
They are charging me with Kitty Fiddling.
What’s sweet and goes woof?
Pupcakes!
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort
Who cleans the bottom of the ocean? A Mer-Maid
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
What do you call it when a pig loses its memory? Hamnesia.
How does a horse get a suit fitted?
With a tail-or.
You must sprinkle extra sugar in your cereal in the morning...
Why, because I'm so sweet?
No, because you're really fat.
“I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.”
Unknown
My father and grandfather work for the DMV.
I come from a long line of long lines.
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
What do Saturday and Sunday have in common with the corona virus?
The weakend.
Girl, are you the Wuhan Corona Virus?
Because you’re taking my breath away.
Why do watermelons take such a long time to make decisions?
“They’re always melon it over.”
“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
Jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains.
This gives me hope for the next generation.
I don't need 3D glasses to see how beautiful you are!
“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar
My office chair broke. It’s letting me down.
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
Now and (Jay)den I like to make the first move
What do you call two polar bears jerking each other off?
Bipolar.
Why did the owl 'owl?
Because the Woodpecker would peck 'er.
I was gonna walk barefoot through the yard.
But that would cause an ecological crisis.
She sells seashells by the seashore.
Anything unrelated to elephants is irrelephant.
Have you ever played quiet tennis?
It's just like regular tennis but without the racket.
Why did a can of nuts win the part in the Christmas pageant? Because they were the best nut-tavity actors.
Q: Why wouldn’t the teacher bring the class to the green pea farm?
A: It was in a seedy part of town.
Why did the pharaoh go to the dentist?
Egypt his tooth.
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.“
Rodney Dangerfield
What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over? Doughnuts!
When do zombies go to sleep?
When they are dead tired.
When we met, it was love at frost sight.
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!
What do you call an eye that can fly?
A real eye soar.
How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas? The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome.
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