What kind of tests are witches given in school?
Hex-aminations.
If it was 1984, and I was Big Brother, I'd only watch you.
"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir
I saw a lady riding a camel and being pulled by a truck... It was a camel tow
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
You're like my drug - when I'm with you, I feel Absinthe-minded.
Ever wonder what's happening under Orion's belt?
There once was a man from Peru,
his limericks always end on line two.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you! and I want the whole world to know it.
You’re my soul Santa.
What would you call a jellyfish combat veteran?
A man o' war.
What do you call a pile of kittens a meowntain
“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes.”
— Mick Jagger
I tried playing baseball in the fog today.
It was a bit hit and mist.
What does a dinosaur call a porcupine? A toothbrush.
What do you call a small scoop of ice-cream? A uni-cone.
What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
His chest.
Everyone wondered why Cinderella was such a bad player. If only they knew, her coach was a pumpkin.
When it comes to seasonal drinks, more and more are converting to the church of pumpkin spice,
but I choose to remain eggnogstic.
Why did the chicken join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.
Some people think prison is one word… but to criminals it’s the whole sentence.
What is the definition of art theft? A: The haul of frames.
Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.
Which Finn is like a hotdog on the ice? Teemu Salami.
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
Helen Rowland
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
Do you prefer organic or local? Because I’m both.
I think we need to become better strangers.
Wanna join me for some downward doggy-style tonight?
The leech, who is good at drawing blood, applied for a job in an art gallery.
Shake your shamrocks.
Hi there, I heard you were looking for something locally grown? How about some organic and 100% locally grown companion?
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
Where does a penguin go when it loses its tail?
A re-tail store.
How much fur can you get from a dinosaur ? As fur as you can get!
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld
What kind of computer does a worm have? A Macintosh.
What did the river say when it saw beavers for the first time? “Well, I’ll be dammed.”
I know an old man who's a vampire. He's quite long in the tooth.
I can't let it be until I get your number.
There was a weird Crab
Whenever he used to walk, his claws used to make a ta-ta-ta-ta sound.
What do you call meat balls falling from the sky? A meat-ior shower.
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
When do zombies go to sleep?
When they are dead tired.
How did the shark plead in its murder trial?
Not gill-ty.
I can’t believe such a perfect match could Alexis-t
What did the mom say to her kitten when she caught him slouching? Paw attention to your paw-sture!
I knew a vampire who became a poet.
He went from bat to verse.
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