It's so hot that I went to hell just to cool off.
“October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” Mark Twain
What does Bigfoot say when he sees campers in sleeping bags?
- Yum, Hot Pockets!
A robber walks into a bank and points the gun at the receptionist
"Give me all your money or you're Geography!" 'Don't you mean "or you're History"?'
"*DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!"*
Q: Why are tigers religious?
A: Because they prey frequently, and prey as a family!
Why did the chicken cross the river?
To get to the otter side
I hate going to the doctor because all he does is suck blood from my neck.
Do NOT go see Dr. Acula!
There was an Old Man of the Cape,
Who possessed a large Barbary ape,
Till the ape one dark night
Set the house all alight,
Which burned that Old Man of the Cape.
How do you apologize to a koala? BEAR your heart and soul.
Why did the kid pursue scuba diving?
Because all his grades are below C-level.
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
John, you have so much po(tato)tential!
How do winged horses walk if they become pirates?
Peg-asus legs.
When the time came, he betrayed our team and showed his blue colors.
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart.
Well wasnt that an unfortunate missed-stake.
What do you call a cold crocodile in winter? A refrigerator.
Girl, you should not have covered your beautiful eyes behind those Versace sunglasses.
An electrician needed to change 8 fluorescent lamps to brighten up a large conference room at our office. I asked him if he needed a hand carrying them.
He said no, this is light.
What did the llama say to the grass?
“Nice gnawing you!”
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
I saw an egg behaving oddly today.
It was probably just a bit egg-centric.
The dentist said that he could knock me out with gas, or he could use a big metallic rock.
I said ether/ore.
What is the difference between lightning and electricity. For electricity, you need to pay, but
lightning kills for free.”
I’m like a boomerang. I just keep coming back to you.
On my farm, an entire lot of onions had some allergic reactions that broke out in chives!
What did one brain say to another?
I lobe you.
I can't find my humidifier anymore...
I have reported it misting.
What do ghouls say to each other before heading out for Halloween?
May the ghouls be with you!
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
Are you a doughnut? Because I find you a-dough-rable.
A physics teacher writes a question on a board:
"A 40 kg child that 100 cm tall is holding a parent's arms swinging them 0.5 revolutions a second. If the parent let go of the child after 2 seconds, where will the child end up?"
A few moments later, the teacher then comes over and reads a student's answer:
"In a foster home."
The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
Whats green and can jump a mile a minute?
A frog with hiccups.
What did the egg say to the clown?
You crack me up.
“The most delightful advantage of being bald—one can hear snowflakes.”
– R. G. Daniels
What’s the difference between a horse and wet weather?
One reigns up and the other rains down.
What happened when the beer got divorced?
It became bitter.
There’s two balloons in the desert. One says look out for that cactus!
The other goes What Cactussssss...
I saw a squirrel throw up today! It was nuts!
What do you call a holy squirrel?
A chipmunk.
Why don’t elephants like to ride on trains? Because they hate leaving their trunks in the baggage car.
What did the manager say to the realtor who kept forgetting to sign the agreement?
He said, "Just do the deed."
The team’s star basketball player decided to remain at home the entire weekend. He didn’t want to be called out for travelling.
What does an owl with an attitude have?
A scowl.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Jules Renard
What kind of cat always crosses the road?
A jaguar.
Is it hot in this Bikram studio, or is it just you?
I hope your day is as radiant as your smile.
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
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