Why didn’t the horse buy a house?
The costs were mounting.
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
How does bread woo a lover?
With lots of flours.
I recently got offered a job studying fog but I turned it down.
Looking back, I now think it was a mist opportunity.
One day I saw a squirrel burying lotto tickets under a large bush, so I asked him what he was doing.
He told me he was hedging his bets.
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium?
He just couldn’t put it down.
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
How do you kill a blonde? Give her a gun and say it's a hair drier.
What is a defensive football players favorite dessert?
Apple Turnover.
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
Why did the bunny say to the duck? You quack me up!
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
It’s allergy season again?! You’ve got to be pollen my leg.
Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you.
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
Prime-Mates!
There once was a wonderful star,
Who thought she would go very far.
Until she fell down,
And looked like a clown,
She knew she would never go far.
What did the river say when it saw beavers for the first time? “Well, I’ll be dammed.”
Why did the girl decide to become an art dealer? Because she wanted more Monet.
Why did the deer go to the spa?
“To doe off some steam!”
Hey, have you heard about....
A gladiator whose arms and legs been cut off in a fight? Well, I heard that he's been disarmed and defeated.
You should never give milk to someone who is open minded and hasn't yet had breakfast. They're lack-toast and tolerant.
"Patience is not a virtue for Aries. The phrase Speak now or forever hold your peace, was probably created by an impatient Aries."
— Dr. Atara
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drink coffee, he would get a stabbing pain in his right eye.
The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”
I want to tell you one more painful phone pun but I decided it's uncalled for.
What do you call a psychic gnome who escaped from prison?
A small, medium at large!
How many blonde jokes are there?
One. The rest are all true stories.
“When I say I won’t tell anyone, my best friend doesn’t count.”
— Unknown
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
I'm Claus-trophobic.
What did the lost witch ask the wizard?
- Witch way to the Halloween party?
My wife left me because I'm so insecure
No wait.. She's back! She was just getting coffee
How do astronauts cook their meals?
With a Space Heater!
What is the best way to cook alligator meat? With a croc pot!
I've only got three months to live.
Chuck Norris’ tears can cure you of the coronavirus.
Too bad he doesn’t cry.
How is cat food sold? Usually, purr can!
What did the perverted pumpkin use for his pick-up line?
Hey gourd-geous! Wanna go back to my place and squash?
I yam always very happy to eat sweet potatoes.
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
What is the name of the country near Iraq that is made entirely of cheese? Curd-istan
The Christmas alphabet has noel.
I always find artists romantic because when they love you, they do it with all their art.
If Kim Jong-un had a private yacht, it would be a dictator ship
What do you call a poor ant?
A peas-ant.
If you can't get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get? A1: Obesity A2: Heart Disease A3: Hardening of the Arteries.
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