Why are cedars so hard to get along with? They suffer from bigo-tree and ex-tree-mism.
"Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise' I wash my mouth out with chocolate!"
- Unknown.
What do Penguins sing on a birthday?
Freeze a jolly good fellow.
What are unsolved murders called when it happens in a society of crows? Murder mysteries.
How does Frankenstein eat his dinner?
He bolts it down.
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!
You are the object of my preposition.
An egg walks into a bar...
And makes a real mess.
What do you call a pickle doctor?
A dill pusher.
Where does a snowman keep his money?
In a snow bank.
Dog to Waiter: Are there any bones in this?
Waiter to Dog: Yes sir, why’s that?
Dog to Waiter: Because I really dig them!
Why can’t minerals ever lie?
They’re always in their pure form.
What did the flower do when she was challenged?
Rose to the occasion.
I want to play my match outdoors so I can hit the ball higher in the air. I’m not good at persuading people, so I’m going to hire a lob-byist.
I do not like lotion at all.
It really gets under my skin.
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium?
He just couldn’t put it down.
Where do frogs leave their hats and coats?
In the croakroom.
What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
He’s in love with me,
And not exactly for you.
And if you take my place,
I’ll take my plate and smash your face.
(Unknown)
You must have been born in Pearl Harbor, because baby you da bomb.
"It's amazing how much stuff we get done the day before vacation?"
- Zig Ziglar
What is a hair stylist's favorite steak? A flat iron!
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
I really liked learning about displacement in Physics.
It's pretty straight to the point.
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
Did you hear about the Elf booted from the chorus?
He couldn't Fa-la-la-la-long.
My d**k is committed to you, but my heart is not.
Hey girl, I won't be able to see you for the next few weeks.
I'm giving up sweet things for Lent.
Did you hear about the neutron who was arrested?
He was released without charge.
My girlfriend really changed after she became vegan
It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.
What do you get when you mix an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia.
In the history class, the onion teachers taught the student onions that during the vegetable cold war, the Soviet Onion was a superpower.
What does a person with Covid like to drink?
Coughy.
Got a cow helping me cut the grass. He's a lawn mooer.
I like my pasta the way I like my medieval Italian literature.
All Dante.
There’s an old oak near my house that’s always surrounded by fog.
I don’t know why, it’s a mist tree.
What do you call two pears?
A pair.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
Take off your shirt, I want to be closer to your heart.
What do we call a deer without any eye?
“No – eye – deer.”
Why do anti vaxxers hate vaccine jokes?
They never get them.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
Affogato? Afforgeto where I am when I'm with you.
My dad's nickname is lightning.
That way I can tell my friends I've been struck by lightning multiple times.
I came across a great movie about a semi-truck with a defective refrigeration unit that had to deliver a large shipment of meat.
Unfortunately, the trailer spoiled it.
"Everything happens for a riesling, right?"
How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
Are you my training plan? Because I'll go as long as you tell me to.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk
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