A nose visited its home town.
It was overcome with nostril-gia.
It’s so cold I tried to take out the garbage, but it refused to go.
What do you call a painting by a cat of herself? A self paw-trait.
Everyone makes fun of him for using old coffee, but he insists it has the greatest sedimental value.
“Stomach: I will now demonstrate a blue whale’s mating call.”
― Unknown
When she spotted fake ramen in her soup, she said, “ This soup has impasta in it.”
Who dosent eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey because it is always stuffed.
When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor?
What do you call a toilet perched on top of an active volcano?
The lavatory.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Pig…
Pig who?
Pig on someone your own size!
Can I have your last avocado?
Avocadon’t you dare.
I’m not drunk, I’m just intoxicated by you.
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
– Steven Wright
“Aries: You can't handle me even if I came with instructions.”
When you look at the sky and see the moon
You're looking at a subtle light
I'd start a revolution for your number.
What is a cat’s favorite color? Purr-ple.
What tree monster prowls the forest?
Frankenpine.
How do you know when a cephalopod has been using your toilet?
Squid marks.
I invented beach footwear for people with one leg.
It was a flop.
There's this vampire who's more powerful than any other, because he can't be hurt by the sun
All other vampires pale in comparison.
What do you call an overweight alien?
An extra cholesterol.
What is a dairy product like as a partner?
They’re your butter half.
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!
Billy Connolly
Why was the little bear so spoiled?
Because its mother panda’d to its every whim!
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
An oyster from Kalamazoo
Confessed he was feeling quite blue.
For he said, "As a rule,
When the weather turns cool,
I invariably get in a stew."
Hey there cyclist, I wheelie like you!
Ever heard of French Donuts?
They’re the Beigne of my existence.
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)
“A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawnmower is broken.”
– James Dent
When we met, it was love at frost sight.
Police are investigating a string of homicides which have occurred over the last two weeks. The victims have identified as Cap'n Crunch, Toucan Sam, Tony the Tiger, and the latest victim, Lucky the Leprechaun.
They are looking for a cereal killer.
What do you call a zombie driving a Ferrari?
A zoombie.
Oh Miles, you make me Smiles.
What do you call a window that raps? 2PANEZ
It took 3 tries to approach you. I kept losing my breath.
What did Shakespeare say when he was angry with his Dalmatian?
Out, out, damned spot.
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
He couldn't get over his dead wife, so he got a new computer
Now he can processor.
Roses are red, bananas are yellow, wanna go out with a nice little fellow?
Why don't potatoes go to parties?
They're scared of the Monster Mash.
Which cranial nerve would be right at home in a well-known city in Nevada?
The vagus nerve.
What do you call a nervous witch?
A twitch.
It's so hot out that I cleaned my fridge just so I could hang out in my fridge for a while.
Ommmm... let's meet up in our spirit form.
What do you call an 'O' on fire?
Flamingo.
Where do werewolves hate shopping?
The flea market.
Why don’t chickens wear pants?
Their peckers are on their face.
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