The big black bug bit the big black bear,
but the big black bear bit the big black bug back!
What do pigs do on the evening of February 14th?
They have a valenswines dinner.
I quit my job at the concrete plant.
My job was getting harder & harder.
"Even bad coffee is better than no coffee at all." — David Lynch
Steve Martin
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
“How is it that the first piece of luggage on the airport carousel never belongs to everyone?”
— George Roberts
What cheese do you use to get a bear out of a tree?
Camembert.
What do fruits do when they are avoiding a problem? They cherry their heads in the sand.
I'm no photographer, but I can picture us together.
What's the difference between an owl and an Irish funeral?
One's awake in the night and the other's a wake in the day.
I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
It is difficult to hold up a trouser. How does Jupiter does it? Simply, with an asteroid belt.
What do zombies say to their sweethearts?
- I chew-s you.
How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?
With a Nor-Ouija board.
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
My wife and were on the sofa and I lean in for a cuddle.
She says: "careful I'm holding a tea!"
And I say: "and I'm holding you, so I guess we're both holding letters of the alphabet"
After my wife had a stressful day at work, I drew her a bath. She wasn't content.
I'm so upset, I even used color pencils for this.
What kind of wine is aged to purr-fection?
Mos-cat-o!
The best place meteorologists can stop to get a drink on their way home is the isobar.
Wow, of course your name is Alice. Your body is a wonderland
I was surprised at the number of onions needed for this dish- it calls for shallot of onions.
Clean clams crammed in clean cans.
I'd like to practice some of my penalty kicks with you.
I asked my buddy if he wanted to know what the word “the” was in Spanish. He expressed his disinterest and I responded with...
"Your los."
Are you a flower? Because I fell in love with you once and floral.
Midwife (handing me the baby): "Make sure you’re supporting his head."
Me: "That’s a great head you have there, Well done!"
Do you have a cell phone? My mom told me to call her when I find the girl of my dreams!
When fishing, is there ever a good reason to take the worm off the hook?
I guess that’s debaitable.
What did the generous mole say when people crashed his party?
The mole the merrier
Your hold on my heart is perennial, I’ll keep coming back always.
What excuse did the late watermelon give his boss? He said be there in 5 boss, I’m just rind the corner.
What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.
The guy who got arrested for eating batteries…. He is to be charged in the morning.
I switched labels in my wife's spice cabinet.
She hasn't noticed, but the thyme is cumin.
Why do wookies love chocolate chip cookies? Because they are chewy.
Why did the man eat the light bulb? He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.”
What does an anteater like on its pizza?
Ant-chovies.
What did one ornament say to another? I like hanging with you.
I feel like a Christmas tree when you talk to me because I light up.
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
What do a crab, a lobster, and a Japanese guy run over in the middle of the road all have in common?
They're all Crushed-Asians!
What do you call a girl who's very good at human chess and checkers?
Ingrid.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve!
I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says “The Titanic is syncing.”
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays.
It’s so cold you could rob me with a bucket of water right now!!
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
Some people have to stop telling meat puns, because they simply butcher every single joke.
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