What do you call the Earth when it is quaking?
Shakesphere.
"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"
Why are geologists no fun at parties?
They like to be stone-cold sober.
Have you heard about the chocolate box thief? He’s always got a few Twix up his sleeve.
What do you call a pony running in a circle? Centrifugal horse.
What game do Ghost children play? Hide and shriek!
What happened when the cargo ship full of books sank?
It caused a title wave!
I'm pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers
They only care about the dead.
What does a bee use to brush it's hair ?
A Honeycomb.
Q: What do you call an angry pea?
A: Grum-pea!
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
What can you catch in the winter with your eyes closed?
A cold.
What do you call a zombie who stir-fries?
Dead Man Wokking
Why were the volleyball players always tying in tic tac toe? Each time one of them sets an X, the other player just says O.
I promise to love you
When your jokes are not funny.
I promise to love you
When you have no money.
I promise to love you
When you’re sick and all snotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re angry and grotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re drunk and unruly.
I promise to love you
When you’re hungover and drooly.
And I promise to love you
When you drive me ’round the bend.
I promise to love you
Because you are my best friend!
“Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness and shenanigans.”
— Unknown
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
What do you need to know to teach a dinosaur tricks? More than the dinosaur.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
What’s a horse’s favorite fruit?
Canterlope.
Why shouldn't you hire a volleyball player to be your bartender?
The service may be excellent, but he'll try to spike all the drinks.
Why doesn’t an owl study for a test?
They prefer to wing it.
Hello Boo-tiful.
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Can!
Can who?
Can I worm my way in to your house!
Since getting sober, I decided to go with the cheapest cell phone provider I can find!
Way fewer bars!!!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free-range.
If we were playing tennis, I'd let you score all the points so I'll always be in love.
What do you call a dream when a vampire bat is chasing you?
A bat-mare.
You’re what I’m most thankful for this year.
What is a phone's favorite TV show? Game of Phones.
What do you call two rabbits racing down the road? The fast and the furriest.
“A car’s weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.”
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
Why do onions have poor self-image?
Because people cry when they get onions naked.
You're not just some bunny... you're my bunny.
I enjoy the cold weather
But only to a certain degree.
While browsing the bookshop, I stuck a sheet of A4 paper to my wife's spine.
She said she wanted a paperback for her birthday.
I tried playing baseball in the fog today.
It was a bit hit and mist.
Guess what I got my toilet for its birthday?
A Urinal cake.
You snow the drill.
I'm single and desolate. Can you help me?
Apart from being a running gear model, what do you do for a living?
What did the deer say after she saw her Amazon bill?
“I spent too much doe!”
Have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts.
I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...
turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.
“If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.” – Frank A. Clark
Hey baby, you got any diseases? Want some?
Why are trees such great thieves? They really have sticky fingers.
Why did the skeleton start a fight?
Because he had a bone to pick.
What do we call a chicken inside a hot tub? – It is called soup.
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