It might take a village to raise a child...
but it only takes a viking to raze a village.
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
What do crocodiles wear to keep their legs dry in the water?
Gaiters.
It’s the fawn of a new day! - said the deer happily after waking up.
“If you’re lucky this Christmas, Santa Claus will grace you with his presents.”
If you can tell me the difference between Flag Day and the 4th of July, I will buy you a drink.
I got a job crafting toy models of the dwarves from Snow White.
The pay sucks, but I'm not lying when I tell people I make seven figures.
Two spines are running up the hill as a hedgehog passes by them
Then one spine turns and says to the other “we missed the bus!!”
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
Did you hear about the bank that wanted to put an ATM up a tree? If it works, they are going to expand the idea to other branches.
If pigs learned to fly, would the price of bacon skyrocket?
skyrocket
These voices in my head have been telling me to come over here and talk to you.
Which is the fanciest onion? A cocktail onion.
What do you call a rainbow you ride your horse on?
A rein-bow.
John Travolta has been diagnosed with the Corona Virus.
He had chills that were multiplying.
What do you call a guy that hands out free kebabs to the hungry?
A Döner.
What's the difference between French fries and orange juice?
You can make orange juice out of orange, but not French fries out of French
It's lunchtime and the newcomer at my workplace is on a plane to India
Turns out, someone told him that the nearby Delhi has the best sandwiches
If you throw your peas in the sky you get air pods.
Why are math books so darn depressing?
They’re literally filled with problems.
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
A motivated nut is a pecan. Because pe-can do anything.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
Most of the fruits usually drink their juice with a straw-berry.
I like the way you espresso yourself.
Each time the cow escaped, the farmer would find him hiding in Moo York City.
I mist say, this is a pretty bad joke, but it haze potential.
Why did the lion cross the road?
He was bored of lion around.
Do you want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind it's too cheesy.
What do you call a really happy ant?
Exuber-ant.
When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.
Sad to hear that Baron von Frankenstein has given up on his dream of being an actor.
He couldn’t get the parts.
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
I have no idea how to raise chickens.
I think I’ll just wing it.
There’s a suspicious email going around, with the subject line “Canned meat.” Don’t open it, it’s spam!
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger's shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
A funny old bird is a pelican.
His beak can hold more than his belican.
Food for a week
He can hold in his beak,
But I don’t know how the helican.
(Dixon Lanier Merritt)
Why did the fish cross the road?
To get to its school.
Me: "Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know."
Waiter: "I asked if you were dining alone."
Me: "Oh, sorry. Yes."
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
Dracula had to move out of his medieval castle for a couple of weeks because it was getting re-vamp-ed!
How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
What do you call an alligator showing off his spine flexibility on the internet?
E-Reptile Disc Function
What’s the best way to woo a math teacher?
Use acute angle.
Being uncomfortable with any physical contact, I decided to rent the book “How to Hug” from the library.
Turns out it was Volume 6 of an old encyclopedia.
What sound do you hear when a Ghost explodes? kaBOOm!
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
As a mythologist and head of the household,
My word is lore.
Go to BabaMail
