My friends were talking about what different colours grass they preferred.
I told them they were being gracist.
What are the benefits of city buses using green fuel? They’ll always be on thyme.
What flies around your light at night and can bite your head off?
A tiger moth.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a chicken? The best bacon-and-eggs of your life.
How do animals know when to cross the road?
The chameleon changes from red to green.
What do volleyball players like in bed? Kinky sets.
Why do chickens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they’d break.
What's Irish and stays out all night?
Paddy O'Furniture.
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
The guy planted a light bulb and though he’d get a power plant.
How did the electrician pay for his new phone?
He charged it.
What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"
I have no idea what I'm doing with eyeliner
To be honest, I just wing it.
The ancient Egyptian people knew how to prepare delicious jams. It was only because of their skill of preserving things.
What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch
“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…somewhere else!”
Let’s make like a banana and split.
What kind of turkey grows on a tree? Poultry.
A surgeon was about to perform heart surgery when he received notice that the replacement was delivered to his house!
Home is where the heart is.
What do rodents say when they play bingo? 'Eyes down for a full mouse'!
A woman who gave birth in a tree was sent to jail
She was charged with treeson
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist when they go to the bathroom?
Because the P is silent.
What do you call a Bee who is having a bad hair day? A Frisbee.
French guy goes into a bar with a frog on his head
The bartender asks “where’d you get that?” And the frog says “in France. There’s loads of them.”
How do cows intake water?
by Osmoosis.
Singing Sammy sung songs on sinking sand.
What is a European dragon’s favorite food?
Swiss charred.
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot.”
They found a plant that cures COVID-19!
It’s called plant yourself on the couch.
Who is a polar bear’s favorite musician?
Seal.
I waited over an hour for my cappuccino and when it arrived there was too much milk and not enough coffee. Still, better latte than never.
“The worst thing about being a tourist is having other tourists recognize you as a tourist!”
– Russell Baker
I wouldn't trust medieval executioners in today's world.
They are prepared to kill people, simply to get a head.
How do you catch a monkey?
Climb a tree and act like a banana.
Farmers are real experts, they are often outstanding in their fields.
I joined a support group for former computer hackers.
Anonymous Anonymous.
I like you cherry much.
All theatres love to see scarecrows out in the audience as reviewers! They're simply outstanding in their field.
Who puts money under a deer’s pillow when they lose a tooth?
The hoof fairy.
What's the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!
Salami get this straight - you don't like meat puns?!
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? SpongeBob SquarePants!
Why did the tooth see a therapist?
To get to the root of their problems.
How is ice cream as a girlfriend?
The sweetest.
What did the bat say to the friend who itched and squirmined?
Come back when you have washed out the virmin.
Some people think anyone who sells meat is gross. But, people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.
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