Our church band is just two ladies on percussion...
It’s quite the CoNunDrum
When do they smother a burrito in cheese? In best queso scenario.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
“I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.” — Bill Gates
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
Come, let’s measure the coefficient of friction between us.
Whats The Most tiniest Virus Ever? "smallpox".
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.
“Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness and shenanigans.”
— Unknown
On Halloween night a group of crows decided to enact a scene from the play Julius Ceaser, they were enacting the caw-nspiracy scene.
I want to practice my forehand outside, but it will be wet in the morning and nice later on. So here’s the plan for today: inside-out.
Why was the skeleton a success at work?
He had a head for business.
You know why vampires can raise ghouls?
Because they are neck romancers!
Are you a bookmark? Because I keep rereading the pages you are on!
What does the witch do on her birthday?
She spellabrates.
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
When Napoleon is indecisive, he is torn-apart-e.
The big black bug bit the big black bear,
but the big black bear bit the big black bug back!
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
What did the brain say after it got an electrical shock?
"This was a stimulating experience."
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you going to let me in?.
“It doesn’t matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up.” ~ Anonymous
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. -- Billy Sunday
How do fleas get from place to place?
By itch-hiking.
Last winter was so cold, I couldn’t stop telling my wife how much I glove her.
Why did the wolf take so long to cross the road?
It was pretending to be a snail.
After completing the deadline just in the nick of time, the artist breathed a cyan of relief.
Why can't you tease egg whites?
Because they can't take a yolk.
Man wins award after he died eating appetizers at a Mediterranean restaurant
It was a Post-Hummus award.
How do you move a piece of furniture at the weather station?
With four casters.
Will you remember me in a minute?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a week?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a year?
Yes.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
You didn’t remember me!
What did the fish say to the mermaid?
- Have a fintastic day!
My Grandad always said, “As one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.
Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick butt at the same time
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
What do cats build to prepare for war? Cat-apults.
I just found out my Husband is a Ghost. I realised the moment he walked through the door.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.
What did the baseball player say when the flight attendant asked what seat he was in?
"Put me in coach."
The only time a basketball team can chase a baseball team is five after nine.
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
“How did my driving test go? You could say I mailed it!”
“No matter how smart you are, you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.”
Anonymous
What do you call a clever monster?
Frank Einstein.
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
You don’t look like such a proper noun to me.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Baking on Easter Sunday
Crust is risen! Hallelujah!
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