The paddy don’t start till I walk in.
Is your name Rapunzel, cause I need a girl who never leaves the bedroom and constantly wants me to pull her hair?
What type of tool does a prehistoric reptile carpenter use? A dino-saw. Who makes the best prehistoric reptile clothes ? A dino-sewer.
Why did Frankenstein’s monster give up boxing?
Because he didn’t want to spoil his looks.
How did the coffee show its love? It said, "Words cannot espresso how much you bean to me."
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me young...
I could buy a lollipop.
My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?
Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "
There was an Old Man who supposed,
That the street door was partially closed;
But some very large rats,
Ate his coats and his hats,
While that futile old gentleman dozed.
It takes one to snow one.
Have you seen Jake’s new custom trumpet? Yeah, that’s quite a unique horn, I’d know it anywhere.
“Do what we can, summer will have its flies.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you, and you're being chase by a lion.
What do you do?
Get your drunk butt off the carousel.
What do you call a group of lions partying on ships in Gibraltar?
A strait pride parade.
Do You Know How Crabs Get Around On Land?
They Use The Sidewalk!
What words do windmills live by? One good turn deserves another!
They can’t read it, it’s on a need-to-gnome basis.
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
I think you’re pretty Stella-r
Why are parrots so loyal? They are a man of their bird!
Where do dinosaurs get their mail ? At the dead-letter office!
What did a duck say to the comedian?
You quack me up.
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
We aren't even in hot yoga, but you have me sweating.
Claude Pepper
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
In a recent study, NASA scientists confirmed that Uranus smells like farts.
It peels nice to be voted in as the most appeeling model in the contest.
Do you know what I did last night? I put Easter eggs in a heart shape for you to find!
I tried to build myself an armchair, but I messed up some of the measurements and made it too wide.
So near, and yet sofa
What did the two onions who were lovers say to each other before being separated? "Our love will forever go-nion on!"
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
Would you allow me to experience what’s beyond your Event Horizon?
There was an Old Sailor of Compton, Whose vessel a rock it once bump'd on;
The shock was so great, that it damaged the pate,
Of that singular Sailor of Compton.
What’s the silliest name you can give a tiger?
Spot.
What is red and not good for your teeth?
A brick.
What's a pun's favorite love song?
"My Punny Valentine!"
What do we call a flock of sheep that tumbles down a mountain? They are called a lamb-slide.
The shrubs were gearing up for a fight with the grass, but they never saw the blades come in.
The Tsar Bomba, the most powerful nuclear explosive in recorded history, has an output of 57 megatons of TNT
And that pales in comparison to how much of a bombshell you are.
"It is better to wear out than to rust out." - Bishop Richard Cumberland
You look a lot like my next victim.
Roses are red, violets are blue, how would you like it if I came home with you?
Vampires love corny jokes and puns. I don't think they're funny, but it's probably to do with them being pun-dead.
I'm wearing green, you're wearing green, we have so much in common we should go out sometime.
Swiping can be such dangerous territory, but I think I’ve a Safe Harper in this match
I asked my Mom if I was ugly.
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."
“All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.” Spike Milligan.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
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