I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
"You are adorable, mademoiselle. I study your feet with the microscope and your soul with the telescope."
― Victor Hugo, Les Misérables
"Does your father sell diamonds? Because you are FLAWLESS!"
I dressed up as a jousting lance for Halloween, but nobody got it.
I thought it was pretty straight forward.
I swear I saw one of those mythical creatures somewhere in the bush; but when I came back, it was uni-gone.
Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn't speak English.
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
Brother: "I saw a seahorse scuba diving"
Dad: "Wow that's amazing, I didn't realise they had the technology."
When the chef asked me how I would like my soup, I said "I would like minestrone".
Why did the wine connoisseur insist on drinking from an old tire?
He heard it was a Goodyear!
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
Why do interns make the best Dungeons and Dragons players?
They do it for the Experience.
I used to be pretty nifty tap dancer...
Until I fell into the sink.
If I freeze, it's not a computer virus. I was just stunned by your beauty.
An astronaut did a huge crime. He broke the law of gravity and hence, got a suspended sentence.
What do you call a grandpa flower?
Poppy.
My dad was the top clown at the circus, but unfortunately he passed away.
I guess I have some pretty big shoes to fill.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer?
Because his wife told him to ice it!
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
Why is horse racing so romantic?
Because the horse hugs the rails, the jockey puts his arms around the horse and you can kiss your money goodbye.
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
Uni-corn? I though that’s what you call a single grain or maize.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus.
You’re a woman from East Transylvania
Dating Dracula, with his weird mania.
He asks you each night
To go out for a bite —
An experience certain to drain ya.
What happens if you swallow a whole corn cob?
You get corn-stipated!
“It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you.” — Dwight D. Eisenhower
What is fog's favorite drink? Mountain Dew
"Have You Ever Seen"
Have you ever seen a sheet on a river bed?
Or a single hair from a hammer’s head?
Has the foot of a mountain any toes?
And is there a pair of garden hose?
Does the needle ever wink its eye?
Why doesn’t the wing of a building fly?
Can you tickle the ribs of a parasol?
Or open the trunk of a tree at all?
Are the teeth of a rake ever going to bite?
Have the hands of a clock any left or right?
Can the garden plot be deep and dark?
And what is the sound of the birch’s bark?
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are… but I laugh more.
What should you put on the tomb stone of a mathematician?
"He didn't count on this."
Why did the orange get insurance?
Zest in case.
I forgot to put on deodorant this morning, so I went to the store on my way to work.
It was a quick pit stop.
"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown
What kind of camel throws a hissy fit when you milk it?
A drama dairy.
Why don’t giraffes make good pets?
They’re too high maintenance.
This coffee is steaming up my glasses or is that just you?
Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say?,” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”
"What did the carrot say to the wheat?
Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet."
- Shel Silverstein
Why did the broom decide to go to bed?
He was getting sweepy
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
What did the icy road say to the car?
“Want to go for a spin?”
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite movie?
A. Planet of the Apes.
"I wood never leaf you."
Date a hockey player, we always wear protection.
Ouch, you're getting older,
Time for aches and pains to appear,
When nothing's where it should be,
And you shun anything tight or sheer.
But worry not, my dear friend,
Because aging can be so fun,
You will just jiggle a little more,
When you try to walk or run.
(Kevin Nishmas)
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
Who led the Australians into the promised land, through a semipermeable membrane?
Ozmoses.
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
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