What was the most common game played by Greek Gods?
Hydra and seek.
"My idea of camping is falling asleep on the couch with the window open."
- Clarke Kant
What do you call a mouse with no balls? Optical. What is a mouse's favorite record? 'Please cheese me'!
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
I heard there are names that can be impossible to make puns out of, say its not Zoey!
Q: What do you call a gust of wind that blows a tall guys onto a basketball court?
A: The NBA draft
Have you heard the one about the lemon cat?
It was a real sour puss.
Did you hear they are not making yardsticks any longer?
They’re not making them any shorter either.
Is your name Scarlett? Because when I saw you my heart was gone with the wind.
Chuck Norris changed a lightbulb...
With one hand he held the bulb, with the other he turned the house.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
How much will $20 get me?
What did the Viking chieftain say when asked about his motivation?
"I'm in it for the longhall."
When the time came, he betrayed our team and showed his blue colors.
What do you call a single, solitary kernel of corn?
A unicorn!
What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs.
I used to be addicted to soap.
I’m clean now.
How many software engineers do you need to change a light bulb?
None – it’s a hardware problem.
What did the lemon juice say to the baking soda?
Ya basic!
What did Mars tell to Saturn? Give me a ring sometime!
They had us working like dogs at work after a storm
All I did was pick up sticks and bark.
How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
I’m an astronaut and my next mission is to explore Uranus.
I don’t want your candy, what I really want is your number.
Be a winner, date a swimmer!
What do you call a group of friends in California?
A startup.
Are you a singularity? Not only are you attractive, but the closer I get to you, the faster time seems to slip by.
Why an astronaut can be said similar to a football player? They both strive for touchdowns!
If you can think of a better fish pun than me
Then let minnow.
Whats the distant cousin of the werewolf?
The way over therewolf.
Water you doing?
Recently I visited Germany. I hated everything in there. The people, the history, the language. But, oh god, the smell.
It was the wurst.
It seems like you have the answer to my math problem. What are your digits?
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
When I got mugged on my way back from the greengrocers, I was peach-less!
Did you hear that? They're playing our future song on the speakers!
I’m trying a new ‘see food’ diet
I’d recommend that you all try it
Any food will do
Nothing’s bad for you ...
It's no wonder my trousers don’t fit!
(Jan Allison)
What did one eyeball say to the other?
Between you and me, something smells.
How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store.
You prefer gardening to watching television.
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks.
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride.
Why did the two 4’s skip lunch?
They already 8!
Do you have a Bandaid? Cos I just scraped my knee falling for you.
This year I'm carving my pumpkin to look like an intricate ball of rope, so it can be a gourd-ian knot.
Have you heard about the guys who stole a truck full of broccoli and cauliflower? They had to really floret to get away.
What do you do when your friend is a claustrophobic astronaut?
You give him a little space.
“Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.” —Tom Snyder
Why did the volleyball player get thrown out of the party? He spiked the punch.
What do you call a guy in a wheelchair who keeps getting struck by lightning?
A handicapacitor.
Promise you won’t Char-leave?
I hope these Halloween puns don't drive you batty.
What do you call a medieval siege machine that throws flowers?
A trebouquet
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