What do you call two banana skins?
A pair of slippers.
How does one astronaut says sorry on the moon tell another astronaut? He Apollo-gises.
It is not really much about how you bowl, but instead how you roll.
Wino Woe: Forgive me, for I have zinned!
Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze.
I'm looking to sell my toothpaste collection.
Don't worry, they're all in mint condition.
Don't be too harsh on the bread. All it kneads is love.
It’s so cold my shadow ended up freezing on the sidewalk.
What did the teacher say when he sent the naughty student out of the (mush)room? - You’re in big truffle young man!
Can I have your number so I can call you anytime I miss you?
When the gladiators fought lions
it was always the mane event
Why don't squirrels have any friends?
Because they drive everyone nuts.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall — hope you do too!
"It’s a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack."
― Germany Kent
Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.
Why is it so expensive to run a submarine?
It's the depth charges.
Baby, you've bought yourself a cruise on the Love Boat. I'll be your captain.
What do you call a blessed blanket?
Holy sheet
A Pun, a Play on Words, and a Limerick walk into a bar....
No Joke.
Why did the chicken go to KFC?
He wanted to see a chicken strip.
I’m so adjective, I verb noun.
What is a teddy bear’s favorite Thanksgiving food?
Stuffing!
Can you tell me the oxidation state of this atom? If you can’t, then you can tell me your phone number instead?
Turtles love taking shell-fies.
What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing
Biology - It grows on you.
What sport do wasps love?
Sting-pong.
“Don’t worry if people think you’re crazy. You are crazy. You have that kind of intoxicating insanity that lets other people dream outside of the lines and become who they’re destined to be.”
— Jennifer Elisabeth
What did the car call his new band?
Back Seat Boys.
What’s a good way to start a conversation with a cheese plate on Tinder?
“Hello. Is it brie you’re looking for?”
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
“Find a job you like and you add five days to every week."
~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
What do you call a chicken that was struck by lightning?
Air fried.
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
What is a bear’s favorite drink?
Koka-Koala.
What does a pizza say when it introduces itself to you?
Slice to meet you.
History. History. Did I just rewrite history?
What did Sherlock Holmes say to Watson when he noticed sandstone deposits on the river bank? "It's sedimentary, my dear Watson."
I’m trying to find a date for this weekend…do you Noah guy?
What did the first plate say to the second plate?
"Dinner's on me!"
Are you the end of practice? Because you’re always on my mind.
Why did the two slices of bread disappear in the middle of the night? They wanted to e-loaf together.
What do you call the onions which are small and yellow and very naughty? You call it a minonion!
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
Have you heard about the new meat that’s taking the world by storm? It’s a cross between a cow and a chicken. They call it “roost beef”.
Sorry we missed puppy class.
My dog was wagging. There goes his oppawtunity for pawfect attendance…
What do you call a cold dog?
A pup-sicle. Better steer clear, especially if he’s fur-ocious… don’t want him to give you frost-bite.
"Exclamation!"
I have a strange addiction,
It often sets off sparks!
I really cannot seem to stop,
Using exclamation marks!
They appear when I am writing!
Even in a shopping list!
If I don’t put one at the end
I feel something’s been missed!
It started as a positive!
It made people feel happy!
But now, I fear, it may bring tears!
It makes my teacher snappy!
Exclamation marks (!!!)
Can show how to command,
They show when things are exciting!
Or getting out of hand!
As you can see this problem,
Is one I now must end.
But, I can’t help but feel, maybe,
The question mark’s my friend?
(Anyone heard of the interrobang?!)
– Fiona Halliday
I was just curious? Are you as good as all the guys say you are?
Hey babe, now that the season's over, lets go back to my place and watch the highlight film.
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