I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
It's a-boat time we took a vacation!
What do stylish kangaroos wear?
Jumpsuits.
The little boy autumn-bled over the pile of fallen leaves and yellow-d for help.
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
How do you hold a bat?
By the wings.
“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”
Will Rogers
What do you call a woman with one leg?
ILENE.
We just got a new chicken-proof lawn, it's impekkable.
“You’re not truly a parent until you’ve yelled at your kid for drinking fluid on a road trip because now they have to pee again.”
— Abe Yospe
I met an annoying squid who wanted to become a comedian.
He wouldn’t stop kraken jokes.
We have a great connection since you’re wifi-material.
What do you call a locomotive with a cold? A choo choo train.
Donut even think about taking another donut!
Q: Why did the cloud do drugs and join a gang?
A: Atmospheric pressure.
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper!
What's worse than a giraffe with a sore throat? A Diplodocus with a sore throat!
Want to plan a ride up the hill. It feels great when you're on top.
What do you call a dude who really likes autumn?
A fall guy!
Don't ever change a light bulb while the oven is on
You'll get burned out
I can keep increasing the resistance on my bike, but I just can't resist you.
Why did Frankenstein tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
He didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills!
What do you get if you cross a chicken with an alarm?
An alarm cluck.
Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.
Through three cheese trees three free fleas flew.
While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew.
Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze.
Freezy trees made these trees' cheese freeze.
That's what made these three free fleas sneeze.
My partner has been having nightmares that he’s a truck. He always wakes up tyred and exhaust-ed.
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
Paula Poundstone
Do you sleep on your stomach? No. Can I?
My boss accused me of "acting the monkey" at work.
I almost choked on my banana.
What do you call a clock on the moon?
A lunartick.
What is an owl who has been caught called?
A spotted owl.
Date a hockey player, we always wear protection.
You are the square to my root.
Are you a carbon sample? Because I want to date you.
"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
I’m sure people make jokes about getting older
You politely laugh with a quiet smoulder
I know you, always being so polite
Jokes about getting older aren’t always right
Don’t worry about it, age is just a number
Don’t you ever let anyone steal your thunder!
Happy Birthday!
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
How does a rainbow greet the other weathers? With a yellow of course!
When you’re alone in Germany being approached by a group of old men
You have to fear the wurst.
Why didn't the green pepper practice archery?
Because it didn't habanero.
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite movie?
A. Planet of the Apes.
There's a group of guys that assemble wooden furniture for fun.
I hope they let me join.
What should you do when you play volleyball against a team of satanists? You beat the hell out of them.
There was an Old Man of Kildare,
Who climbed into a very old chair;
When he said,-- "Here I stays,--
till the end of my days,"
That immovable Man of Kildare.
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
I think we'd grow a great organic garden together.
Where did the nut keep his money?
In his cash shoe.
"We travel, initially, to lose ourselves, and we travel, next to find ourselves."
- Pico Iyer
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant's head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke's son and knocked him off the battlefield.
Yeah, apparently it was the first-ever serf face to heir missile.
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