“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.”
Stephen Colbert
Why are mountains not just funny? Because they are hilarious.
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? A hot, diggety dog.
“I don’t like Sunday nights because you have to wake up to a Monday morning.”
Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!
St. Patrick’s Day makes me Spring to life.
What did the phone say to the radio when they met for a date?
This is AUXhilarating
Our daughter eats her corn one kernel at a time.
She's a unicorn.
What do you call a cold dog?
A pup-sicle. Better steer clear, especially if he’s fur-ocious… don’t want him to give you frost-bite.
Why do the hot dogs with ketchup spoil early?
Because the sauce ages.
Hey shawty, it’s sherbert day.
Where is the best place to get camel milk?
Straight from the Dromedairy.
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
What kind of car do fancy horses drive?
Mustangs.
What does a goat call his girlfriend?
Bae.
I had the best ice pun to tell you…
Problem is, it slipped my mind.
Where do werewolf go if their tails fall off?
A re-tail store.
Where was the dinosaur when the sun went down ? In the dark!
What do you call an Arab next to a cow?
Milk Sheikh.
If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.
Two blondes fell down a hole.
One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see!"
Which front-office type is the most promiscuous? The general ménageur.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he drank his tea before it was cool.
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship
What exam do young witches have to pass? A spell-ing test!
The native Indians were laughing at the Pilgrims for being so pale and never getting a proper tan.
But they did get a tan. A puritan.
Is there a wormhole that will always take me directly to where you are?
What type of car did the mushroom drive by in? A spores car.
The young loaf of bread ended up getting fired from his job because he kept loafing around. Poor guy.
Q: How does a butcher keep his tent up in a strong winds?
A: With steaks!
What do you say to a flower after a breakup?
Get clover it.
What was stolen from the music store? The lute.
Why do owls shower so often?
So they don’t smell fowl.
Do you want to cosine on a mortgage with me?
An actor arrived for his rehearsal at the theatre.
As he looked around, an incredible feeling of deja vu swept over him.
Suddenly he realised the set seemed like a weird adaption of his apartment, the actress looked like an odd version of his wife, and the director sounded like an eerie rendition of his dad.
"Uncanny!" He thought. "I've arrived at a strange stage of my life".
Did I tell you about my new girlfriend who also plays football?
Yeah.. she‘s a keeper
Dad, do you like baked apples? Yes son, why? The orchard's on fire.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Comb
Comb who?
Comb on down and I'll tell you!
An art dealer and a painter are having a conversation.
Art Dealer: "I have good news and bad news. Good news is, a person came up to me this afternoon to ask about the value of your art. When I told him that it would increase in value after your death, he immediately bought ALL of them."
Painter: "Wow! What's the bad news?"
Art Dealer: "He was your doctor."
Do you know what I did last night? I put Easter eggs in a heart shape for you to find!
“I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.”
Roy Orbison
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One cowboy sees a tree that’s draped in bacon. “A bacon tree ! We’re saved!” He says. He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets.
It wasn’t a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.
“I have such an ego ’cause I’m a double Leo. I can’t let go of me, you know, so it’s very difficult for me to be somebody else and not me. I’m so into me.”
— Paul Mooney
Mom: Why did you shave the peaches!
Dad: The recipe asked for nectarines.
Whats the name of the movie about Bacon? Frankenswine, or you can go see Hamlet.
Why did Hans cross the road alone?
Hans wanted to travel solo.
When god gave out bodies, he did it in alphabetical order.
GOD: And to you, horse, I give you a golden mane, great strength and speed, and a giant gait. You will be the noblest of beasts, and men will love you.
HORSEFLY (next in line): Oh man this is gonna be gooood.
Why do beavers make the best neighbors?
Because they mind their own dam business.
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