What do you call a very active hydra?
Hydradynamic.
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
The difference between popcorn and pea soup, is that you can pop corn, but you can't pea soup.
What did the salt shaker say to the graint of salt? Why you INSALT MEEE.
If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
Why did the cantaloupe jump into the pool?
“It wanted to be a watermelon.”
Every Valentines Day, I bring a smile to my wife’s face.
By taking down the Christmas tree.
I love lamps.
They're so enlightening.
Why are crows so interesting?
Just beCAWse
I'm not a very good swimmer, do you have any lifeguard experience?
I cannoli be happy
Luca here, I’m just going to cut to the chase and ask if you want to get a drink with me
Why did the potato wear socks?
To keep his pota-toes warm.
I really can't finish a box of strawberries all by myself, Would you like to share with me over some wine?
What do you call two pears?
A pair.
The price of candy at the movie theater is quite ridiculous. They're always raisinet!
"I orchestrate my mornings to the tune of coffee."
– Terri Guillemets
Isabella Isabeauty for sure
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.
Hi, I’m writing a phone book, can I have your number?
Flowers like our minds, open at the right time. Mine has opened to receive your love.
Why are Scandinavian women so hot?
The Vikings didn't bring back the ugly ones.
Which technique does a Gorilla borrow from another animal when it gets romantic? The bear hug!
I can’t decide how to finish this wooden sign telling my parrot that she’s become a member of the Scottish aristocracy
Polyurethane?
What do you call 3 knights in a relationship?
Polyarmory
The turkey says, "gobble, gobble."
I appreciate it when food comes with instructions.
I'd advise against letting a vampire drive you home after a Halloween party. They never check their mirrors, it will drive you batty.
I feel like I'm in Scandinavia, because when I'm with you it's like the sun never sets.
Why do volcanoes need lotion?
So they dont get ashy.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
When the orange started peeling, he was glad it was finally cutting some weight.
How could you tell the horse was getting old?
It was wither-ing away.
If I lived in medieval times, I'd be a tavern guard.
I've always been known for my Inn-Security.
What kind of hats does the skeleton baseball league wear?
Skullcaps.
What is a good pick-up line an axon terminal can use on a dendrite?
"Let's connect."
What do you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman? A dead ringer.
What do you call an anthropomorphic animal blended in ice cream?
A McFurry
Why does a hummingbird hum? It doesn't know the words!
What did Tom get when he locked Jerry in the freezer? Mice cubes!
I was hiking with my friend in the woods and bear attacked him
It was unbearable to watch
What did the geologist say when his doctor said he needed a colon exam?
No fracking way!
What happens when you keep reading geology jokes in your free time?
You know that you have really hit rock bottom.
You're by far the prettiest girl here. The 'Liberty bell' of the ball.
I saw an egg behaving oddly today.
It was probably just a bit egg-centric.
Sun to Earth, on the night of 31st December:
"Let's have another round, shall we?"
"A Scorpio will carry his grudge into the afterlife if necessary to get his revenge."
— Everett A. Blackman
Dialysis is a blood bath.
Why does a mummy enjoy celebrating Christmas? As it involves a lot of gifts and wrappings.
Are you a needle? Because you are sew special to me.
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