Check your shelf before you wreck your shelf.
What will you do when you will see a spaceman? You will simply park your car, man!
Son: "Dad, why'd you name me Odysseus? He's from greek mythology."
Dad: "Well son, you broke through the trojan wall."
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, you get arrested.
Did you hear what happened to the girl who twisted her ankle in the cow’s pen? She was milking her injury!
What do you call a vegetable planted at a whore house?
A brothel sprout.
I only have ice for you!
Will you let me be the avocado in your turkey sandwich?
What did the deer say to his friend during their night in the woods?
This is so much fawn!
The owner of the inside inn was inside his inside inn with his inside outside his inside inn.
I read a story about pig anatomy.
It was all straightforward until I found a twist in the tale.
What's Irish and stays out all night?
Paddy O'Furniture.
Where does wine catch up on all the vineyard dirt?
Through the grapevine.
How do trains eat?
They chew chew.
What do you call a South American girl who is always in a hurry? Urgent Tina
“Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.”
― Bill Murray
What did the boss say to his pizza during their meeting?
There’s mushroom for improvement.
Why did the ski instructor's love life always go downhill? The first thing the ladies noticed about him was his giant slalom.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
I don’t know why I couldn’t convince my wife she would like the set of knives I made her for Mother’s Day.
I made several good points.
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion.
Q: What do you call it when it rains chickens and ducks?
A: Fowl weather.
Did you hear about the snake who wrote a love letter to his girlfriend?
He sealed it with a hiss.
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
Do those legs go all the way? Because you should use them to go away.
Who has the best place on a sailing ship?
The mast, because it has the pole-position.
What do you call a turtle chef?
A slow cooker.
Can I have directions?
To your heart.
What would the Egyptian doctor tell to the wife of the Egyptian Pharaoh? He said that she was going to become a mummy.
What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!
“Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.”
Craig Ferguson
What is a witch's favorite makeup?
A ma-scare-a.
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
The lettuce was ahead while the tomato tried to ketchup.
What is a garbage disposal’s favorite music group?
NSYNC.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
Baby, you better get out of that express lane, 'cause you're all that *and* a bag of chips.
Roses are brown
Violets are brown
Who crapped in my garden?
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
Love the beach. Can I be any more Pacific?
What do you get if you cross a bat with a woodpecker?
Bat-a-tat.
What's the greatest problem facing Poland?
The four-ten split.
Did you have sugar? Because you got a sweet smile.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
I don’t know — I asked you!
How am I supposed to shamelessly flirt with you in the middle of the night when I don’t have your number?
Hi, my name's Pogo. Wanna ride on my stick?
Dad: How does a farmer keep his cows in line?
Kids: How?
Dad: He keeps them a-cow-ntable!
Are you an astronaut? Because I need some space.
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
I hope the only things that blow are candles and balloons. Have a great birthday!
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