Who is the best kung fu vegetable?
Brocc lee.
Did you know knights are known for wearing dishware?
Thats why they call it plate armor.
“The key to my heart looks a whole lot like a plate of pasta.”
― Unknown
Strawberries are great musicians because they make perfect jam sessions.
How does the weather tie its shoes? Witha rainbow!
There was a Young Lady of Poole,
Whose soup was excessively cool;
So she put it to boil
By the aid of some oil,
That ingenious Young Lady of Poole.
What's the best part about the end of Halloween?
Putting the skeletons back in the closet!
I need an Imodium because I can't hold in my love for you.
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
What do horses use to eat?
Breastplates.
The best way to get back at someone is to push them in the snow; after all, revenge is a dish best served cold.
“I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.”
Steven Wright
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
Why did the penguin cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
In life, the rule of thumb is, don’t bite more than you can chew unless it is chocolate.
I just finished the Mona Lisa made from vegetables. It's a masterpeas.
Why did the blonde throw her favorite doll on the grill? She thought it was a Barbie-Q.
A sloth walks in to a bar and waves to get the bartender’s attention, and says I’ll have...... a soda water.
The bartender replies “why the long paws?”
How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?
With a Nor-Ouija board.
"Americans will eat garbage provided you sprinkle it liberally with ketchup."
— Henry James
What does a pirate pay for his corn?
A buccaneer!
What do you call unwanted revealing comments about a movie?
Spoilers.
A zoo owner introduced his tiger to the visitors by saying "this is the most paw-some tiger at the zoo".
My friend can't afford expensive art, she has no Monet.
Nurse, can I have a little sugar to help the medicine go down?
Two fish were swimming in a stream when it began to rain.
One fish said, “Quick, let’s swim under that bridge, otherwise we will get wet!”
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.
You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
Egg puns are the most egg-citing.
What do you get if you cross a chicken with an alarm?
An alarm cluck.
What do you call an illegally parked frog?
Toad.
Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks? Neither, they both weigh a ton!
I heard Medusa looked really pretty.
In fact, her looks were stunning.
Prague is my number one choice for a dream destination...
Dying to Czech it out
Why did the bunny say to the duck? You quack me up!
The moon asked the sun: Buddy when you are so hot, why are you single yet?
What would Jerry McGuire have said if he was a flower?
You had me at hydrangea.
Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.
Spending time at the pool really floats my boat.
What kind of birthday cake do they serve in heaven?
Angel food cake.
What is a koala’s favorite exercise?
Bearobics.
Werewolf Weather Furcast: Tomorrow we expect heavy showers.
I almost got caught stealing a board game today.
But it was a Risk I was willing to take.
“They laugh at me because I’m different: I laugh at them because they’re all the same.”
Roses are red. Bromothymol is blue. My love for you doesn’t have an endpoint.
What did the cloud say to the rainbow? Thank you for adding color to my day.
Why was the IT guy in the hospital?
He touched the firewall.
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