A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Bob Hope

Is your name Summer? Because you are hot!

I told my mom there was a crack in her mug...
She said, ”No, only tea.”

I love a joke about the eyes.
The cornea the better.

It started raining coins outside today.

I guess it’s just climate change.

I’ve fallen in love- I don’t know why
I’ve fallen in love with a girl with one eye.

I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me

She’s charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you’d expect from a girl who’s monocular.

Of eyes – at the moment – she hasn’t full quota
But that doesn’t change things for me one iota.

It must be quite difficult if you’re bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.

But she’s made up her mind. She’s made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.

She’ll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she’ll see me in church.

I’ll marry my true love who’s gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.

(Andrew Jefferson)

“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”

- Charlotte Gray.

What did the man say when his wife asked if he remember to get the coffee with icecream inside it?
“Sorry! Affogato!”

There was an Old Person of Hurst,
Who drank when he was not athirst;
When they said, 'You'll grw fatter,'
He answered, 'What matter?'
That globular Person of Hurst.

Man: If your left leg was breakfast and your right leg was lunch, I wouldn't be able to resist snacking between meals.
Woman: If your left leg was yoga and your right leg was cycling, I wouldn't be able to resist kickboxing between classes.

“I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that.” —Howie Mandel

What is the cherry fruit's favorite American talkshow? The Cherry Springer Show of course!

It's tough to tell if the sky is ever happy or not. It always looks so blue!

While building a house, the architect took his fingers and dipped them in a jar of blue ink. He wanted to get the blueprints!

Hot dog, I love a good meat pun.

I bought a parrot but he has a foul mouth.
I let him loose so that he could fly South.
But he came home again.
This proves that I can't win.
He says the F word two hundred times a day.
He offends everybody and drives them away.
Nobody will take this bird even though I offer to pay them.
I'm going out of my mind, it looks like I'm stuck with him.
I have the only parrot on Earth that's a sinner.
If he doesn't shut up, he's going to be my dinner.

Of all the books in the world, the best stories are found between the pages of a passport.

Sorry for not calling sooner, I was budy complaining to Spotify for not naming you the year's hottest single.

How did Reese eat her soup? Witherspoon.

Pizza: the only time top-less isn't fun

What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.

The last four letters of 'queue' are not silent
They're just waiting their turn.

“There should be a rule against people trying to be funny before the sun comes up.”
– Kristen Chandler

Why do people like working at the Red Lobster?
It helps them get out of their shell.

Long time no sea.

What kind of seal do you get on letters from Turkey?
A stamped bull.

How does bread woo a lover?
With lots of flours.

Stuck on what to get your Mum for Mother's Day?
Get her a fridge and watch her face light up as she opens it.

Why couldn't Vivaldi play medieval music?
Because his violin was Baroque

If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...
Does money even matter?

"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris​

Hey girl, are you looking for your knight in shining armor?
Well I just happen to be wearing the full armor of God.

I was at a thrift store and the guy ahead of me was purchasing an antique urn made in Greece
He asked the cashier if she knew how much a Greek urns.

What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort

Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?

Me: No, just the regular one

Is your name Google? Because you've got everything I'm searching for.

Man: I'd go to the ends of the world for you!
Woman: Okay, but would you stay there?

What do you call Spider-Man at his full potential
Petest Parkest.

What’s the easiest way to catch a turkey?

Ask a friend to toss one at you.

What did one of Frankenstein’s ears say to the other?
I didn’t know we lived on the same block.

What do you call an ant running away with another ant?
Ant-elope.

What do you call someone who always takes pictures of their dog?
A pup-arazzi.

Who did Prince Mushroom fall in love with at the royal ball? - Chanterella!

“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”

How did Pavlov get such great hair?
He conditioned it.

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Candice.

Candice who?

Candice be love that I'm feeling?

What do you get when you cross a dog and a frog?
A Croaker Spaniel.

The unripe strawberry wasn't added to the starting lineup of the game because he was too green.

“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"

Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?