Why are Me and China alike?
We both like to delete our history.
Have you ever heard of the Poder bird?
It is also known as the Toucan
I normally fish for trout but I'll make and exception for you.
Why do ice cream cones make such bad athletes?
They always get licked.
My love for you is so strong it can’t be dialyzed.
What do you call an elephant that’s never clean?
A smelly-phant.
What language do they teach at Elf School?
North Polish!
Did you hear about the cat that ate a ball of yarn? She had a litter of mittens.
What did the mother bread tell her baby roll? You really are the apple of my rye.
My wife was describing the pair of Toucans the zoo recently acquired.
I responded "You mean a four-can?"
Why didn't the hipster swim in the river? It was too mainstream.
Why did the elephant ask to borrow a suitcase?
Because he only had a little trunk.
What trophy does a stay-at-home defencemen win? The Snorris!
I’ve just read that according to statistics, donkeys kill more people every year than sharks.
I better watch my ass.
Careful of that Earl Grey, it’s super hot! Oh wait, you don’t need to worry. It’s not as hot as you.
Wow, wouldn’t mind if you became my significant otter.
The doctor advised I tried a milk bath. I asked if it needs to be pasteurized. No, just above the knees she replied.
My friend was telling me about how a shark attacked her while she was diving
I told her, that bites.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
I had a traumatic experience with peas. I even had to go to thera-pea.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
Why couldn’t the clownfish buy a house?
The fish could not buy a house because he didn’t have an-e-mon-e!
My girlfriend tried to make me have se* on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have se*, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Did you hear about the constipated engineer? He worked it out with a pencil. It was a natural log.
What do you call a reindeer ghost? A cari-boo!
What do bony people use to get into their homes?
A skeleton key.
I bought a bunny because everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
What’s black and white and red all over?
A sunburned panda.
What’s a Spanish vampire’s favorite dance?
The Fang-dango.
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
When god gave out bodies, he did it in alphabetical order.
GOD: And to you, horse, I give you a golden mane, great strength and speed, and a giant gait. You will be the noblest of beasts, and men will love you.
HORSEFLY (next in line): Oh man this is gonna be gooood.
Why do owls always by mystery novels?
They love hoo-dunits.
Don’t be elfish.
Here’s the game plan: [party details]
With salsa, cheese dip, and guac, our bowl game is hot.
Tigers are bad at basketball because they have only four feet.
Baby, if you were words on a page, you’d be what they call ‘FINE PRINT’!
Putting on makeup and putting on glasses serve the same purpose...
They make the person look better!
Flamingos do annoy each other sometimes. Apparently this is because they enjoy ruffling feathers.
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
I have 3 eyes , 2 noses and a mouth. What am I?
Ugly.
When is a car like a frog?
When it's being toad.
An Iranian entrepreneur opened a copy shop.
It's called *Prints of Persia*.
Why was the cow always exercising? To build up its moo-scles
Why is it a bad idea to swallow toothpaste?
Because you’ll destroy your stomach cavity!
What did daddy ghoul say to his youngest son?
Stop ghouling around!
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
Why was the burger sad after losing the race? Because the hotdog was the weiner.
If you mix a ghost and a cow together, you will create vanishing cream.
What did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
What sound do 8 sheep make?
Octo-bah.
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