What did Richard III say when someone asked to build a car park in Leicester?
"Over my dead body!"
What kind of cheese makes the best music?
Brieoncé.
Teaching babies to walk is hard, but you just have take it one step at a time.
How does a Man cut his hair on the moon? Eclipse it.
I can't get my wife to try Mediterranean food.
She doesn't like hummus, which is a naan-starter.
What did Michael Jackson say to his chess opponent?
“It don’t matter if you’re black or white.”
The weather is almost as beautiful as you, m'lady.
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
Someone randomly dropped off a bull in my neighbor’s yard, but animal control picked it up before she got home.
She would have had a cow.
Last year, twenty candles
that doesn’t sound a lot –
But that was not the whole cake
just on the slice I got.
Did you hear about the volleyball players who are getting married? They say it was love at first spike.
Why did the orange cry?
Someone hurt its peelings.
“What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally sh** myself lifeless.” – Bill Bryson
You will always have
a pizza of my heart.
What kind of bears dissolve in water?
Polar bears.
Boss: "How good are you at PowerPoint?"
Me: "I Excel at it."
Boss: "Was that a Microsoft Office pun?"
Me: "Word."
What do you get if you cross a snake and a pig?
A boar constrictor.
Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.
I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.
The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.
What do you get when you cross a tortoise and a llama?
A turtle-neck sweater.
What's a pun's favorite love song?
"My Punny Valentine!"
What’s the best thing you can put in a halloween cookie? Your teeth.
What do you call the Greek God of Mexican chickens?
Apollo
If I had a nickel for every time I received a nickel, I would have an infinite amount of nickels.
What was Muhammad Ali’s favorite breed of dog?
A boxer.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
A certain Leafs right-winger was sued by the Louisiana government. He was
Owen N'awlins.
What is red and goes putt, putt, putt? An outboard apple.
Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and he said...
Once upon a time there was this lobster...
If I had a garden I’d put your tulips and my tulips together
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
The problem with collecting wine is that you always end up getting screwed.
“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon
Where do horses get their mane cut?
The hair-dressager.
There's a new erectile dysfunction medicine on the market
Its called mycoxaflopin
How many times do I have to walk around you to make you fall for me?
Why did the police arrest the milk after it was poured into a bowl of Fruit Loops? They witnessed him drown them. They knew he must be a cereal killer!
I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.
There's some cabanossi and cheese back at my house with ya name on it.
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
Picking strawberries can be a very fruitful endeavor!
I want you more then an ice-cream on a hot summer day.
Who cleans the bottom of the ocean? A Mer-Maid
What do you call a small Minotaur?
A Minitaur.
For the last few Sundays, I have been receiving an onion pun in the mail. I don't know who is sending them. Guess it is onionymous.
Did you just swallow a magnet? Because I’m so attracted to you right now.
What sound do 8 sheep make?
Octo-bah.
I'm having mixed feelings about being a Michael Jackson impersonator.
On one hand, you get to wear a cool white glove.
On the other hand, you don't.
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