You want to hear the best rock puns?
Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.
How do werewolves stop a video?
They press the paws button.
What's the difference between a sniper with Parkinson's Disease and a constipated owl?
One can shoot but can't hit...
What does a dolphin say when he’s confused?
Can you please be more Pacific?
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad to see me?
What do you call a zombie who stir-fries?
Dead Man Wokking
What do you call the Greek God of Mexican chickens?
Apollo
How did the corn farmer get to be so successful?
He corn-ered the market!
Today is your birthday, don’t pull your hair,
Look in the mirror, nature was fair,
Not a day over twenty,
I’m kidding, you’re plenty.
Don’t mean to burst your bubble,
But stop asking for trouble,
You know what I mean,
When you drink that caffeine.
What should I bring?
Just give me a ring.
Elephant or clown?
I knew you would frown.
(Martin Dejnicki)
It’s so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they won’t lay boiled eggs.
Constipated people don’t give a crap.
The ghoul didn't get his letter on time because it got lost at the ghost office.
What do you call a boat in training?
An apprenticeship.
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
Do truckers prefer houses with long-haul ways?
Campground bathrooms are always behind the times.
They're all past tents.
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
What do you get when you dump your Easter eggs on a hill?
A spring roll!
A scarecrow's favorite fruit to eat is straw-berry.
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
Can you teach me how to use this machine?
“I’m taking 4 kids ages 6 and under on a 9-hour road trip. We’ve already had 2 major tantrums. We haven’t even left yet. Avenge my death.”
— James Breakwell
I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved…
but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
Today a large tree suddenly fell over right in front of me.
I was stumped.
It doesn't matter whether you are tall, short, fat, thin, rich, poor; at the end of the day...
It's night.
"You have no reason to fear zombies, do you?"
Anonymous
What is the similarity between a male deer and a beaver? Both have buck teeth.
Yule be sorry.
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
What did the Wife say to the Husband?
You are exhausting!
Why don’t Native Americans like to do rain dances in April anymore?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers.
Did we fall from the sky? Because we look pretty broken up right now.
What do you get when you cross a Sheepdog with a jelly?
The collie wobbles.
I can out here for an easy run, but you make my heart do speed work
If a purple-colored fruit gets stuck in your drain, then you should call a plum-ber to fix it.
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and julius ceaser walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered
Why is Cinderella bad at football?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus? Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving.
I got into a fight with a snail. It was a real slug-fest.
Long ago, a couple of dudes claimed that human flight was possible.
They were Wright.
I asked the kids to pickup the dog poo out the back
They did a crap job.
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
Why did the penguin cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
What's the difference between a stepping stool and a miniature 3D printer?
The former is a little ladder and the latter is a little former.
Don’t worry, Moher pictures are coming.
What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch
Just call me milk. I'll do your body good.
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