Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Jester
Jester who?
Jester silly old man!

How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.

Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”

Where did the music teacher leave her keys?
In the piano.

What do you call an angry nut with a mustache?
A pistachio.

Filming in cemetery angers residents - The Evening Standard

What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
Frost bite.

You cannot get a basketball game fairly officiated in the jungle because cheetahs are all over.

I used to make loads of money clearing leaves from lawns. I was raking it in.

Egg-Plant a kiss on me.

If your heart was a prison, I would want to be sentenced to life.

Why do Earth Science professors like to teach about ammonia?
Because it's basic material.

I'm reading a book about metal fasteners.
Riveting stuff.

Why did the pillow cross the road?
It was picking up the chicken’s feathers.

Why was the neuron sent to the principal's office?
It had trouble controlling its impulses.

How do you kiss someone at the end of the world?
On the apoca-lips.

What is the most expensive kind of fish?
The goldfish.

I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.

What bat was called an invader?
Bat-talina.

My dear, I love you so much it hurts,
I ache to be close to you.
My heart beats wildly out my chest,
Without you I’m so sad and blue.
I’m dizzy with love, I fear being apart,
And despite the pain, I’ve got to say,
Please tell me that you know CPR, my dear,
Because you’ve taken my breath away.

Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

Did you hear about the ghost comedian? He was booed off stage.

Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.

What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.

"Five Little Acorns"

Five little acorns, lying on the ground,
The first one said “oh my
I’m getting round.”
The second one said “I think I’m fat,”
the third one said “I have a nice hat,”

The fourth one said “There’s a squirrel over there.
The fifth one said “well I don’t care.”
Down came the squirrel and
swept them all away, up to his nest for a cold winter day.

– Debbie Hill

"The Silliest Teacher in School"

Our teacher gave detention
to the fountains in the hall.
She handed extra homework
to the artwork on the wall.

We saw her point a finger
at a banner and a sign.
She said their bad behavior
was completely out of line.

The principal approached her
and said, “What is all this fuss?
I heard you tried to punish
all the tires on a bus.

“You’ve made the teachers angry
by disrupting all their classes,
so if you want to keep this job,
you have to wear your glasses!”

– Darren Sardelli

"If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough."
― Phyllis Diller

Why did the clock in the donut shop run slow?
It always went back four seconds

What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face?
A mouse-tache!

What does a cheese lover say when someone keeps messing around with them?
“You gouda brie kidding!”

What did one skeleton wrestler say to the other?
You better watch out for my special move. It will verta-break your back!

When it comes to seasonal drinks, more and more are converting to the church of pumpkin spice,
but I choose to remain eggnogstic.

My dad used to be an airline pilot, but he decided to retire because it got too Boe-ing.

“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?"
~ J. Paul Getty

Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.

What is a cowboy’s favorite tree?
A horse chestnut tree.

Hey (say their name), I know this is not a chat room but my lips want to chat with yours.

Wow, you have a the chin of Superman. I bet you could take a serious punch.

Opposing coaches facing the Leafs in the 60s and 70s knew that Dave was the
one to Keon.

Tne thing you won't catch a vampire ordering in a restaurant is a stake sandwich.

Hello... I've been admiring your bacterial signature.

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.

If I’d give you eleven roses, what would you see in the mirror? A dozen roses.

You’re turtle-ly awesome.

Why can’t people hear your scream in the space? Because it’s miles away.

I met her in chat, she was neat,
her photo was pretty, petite.
we met for a meal,
I saw her for real,
I screamed and then ran down the street!

Q: How does an artist fill in a CV?
A: He draws on experience.

What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.

Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."

What is an ogre's favorite snack?
Y-ogre-t.

You know what really makes my blood boil?
The vacuum of space.