You must be a C major scale... All natural.
Girl, you can kiss heaven goodbye because it's got to be a sin to look that good.
Honey, do you like water? That means you already like 80% of me.
What do you call a furniture store that is over 30 miles away?
The Sofa-r store
“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.”
Stan Laurel
Dad jokes are like Corona.
Everybody gets It but not everyone can laugh about It.
Why did the boy soon stop trying to grab the mountain fog? Because he always mist.
"As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
— Buddy Hackett
That’s not my age; it’s just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I’m staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
What did the Cat burglar say when he was caught stealing from a French art museum?
I did it for the Monet.
It was so cold that I saw a Greyhound bus and the dog was riding on the inside.
Why didn’t the lamp sink?
It was too light.
What do you call a basketball team that cries after they lose the game?
A bawl club.
What do you call a zombie DJ?
A dead beat.
How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow? Down in the mouth!
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
Rodney Dangerfield
How did the witch feel about using her broom to do housework?
She bristled at the suggestion!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Accordion
Accordion who?
Accordion to the forecast, it's going to rain tonight.
What do you call a gangsta snowman?
Froze-T.
Why did the squirrel ask for a pay raise?
He was paid peanuts.
You seem a little mer-mad.
Have you heard about the chocolate box thief? He’s always got a few Twix up his sleeve.
Did you hear about the ghost comedian? He was booed off stage.
I squeezed the innards of a pumpkin into a glass, and the result was just beautiful
In fact, it was gourdjuice.
Chuck Norris' keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key, because nothing controls Chuck Norris.
Red ship hits Blue ship...
Sailors marooned.
"People complain that there are delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years."
- Louis C.K.
What happened when the dog ate a firefly?
He smiled with de-light
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
Is your name Ariel? Because I think we mermaid for each other.
How do trees get on a computer?
They just log in.
What did one sushi roll say to the other sushi roll?
I’m soy into you.
Sorry, I would’ve called sooner but my phone overheated...
I guess you’re just too hot for this dating app!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lion
Lion who?
Lion on your doorstep, open up!
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
Gobbling gorgoyles gobbled gobbling goblins.
A woman is on trial for beating her significant other with a guitar. “First offender?” the judge asked.
“No” she replied. “First a Gibson , then a Fender”.
Speed and Velocity are brothers.
Velocity has a family, is rich and teaches classes around the world.
Speed dropped out and still lives with his parents.
They think Speed lacks Direction.
Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.
It’s so cold walruses were visiting the hardware store in search of more insulation.
A person without arms and a knife in their mouth is still technically armed,
but only to the teeth.
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
What do you call a sleeping werewolf?
An unaware-wolf.
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
What happens when you go to the bathroom in France?
European!
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says. He is always convinced that it says what he means. -- George Bernard Shaw
Why did the banana go to the hostpital? Because it wasnt peeling very well
Have you ever seen a catfish? No, how did he hold the rod and reel?
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