“A good friend will always stab you in the front.”
— Oscar Wilde
Could you tell me the oxidation state of this atom and your phone number?
“The worst thing about being a tourist is having other tourists recognize you as a tourist!”
– Russell Baker
There are 4 rings men need for marriage - The first is an engagement ring, then a wedding ring, then suffe-ring and endu-ring.
Nobody knows about Napoleon's brother because they were born-apart-e.
What makes a glow worm glow?
A light meal!
Why do thespians have great hair? They want the perfect part.
What was the biologist wearing on his first date with a hot chick? Designer jeans.
How can you tell if a crab is drunk?
It walks straight
I was going to make a joke about losing your senses due to COVID.
But I decided it was poor taste.
Can you explain why your neighbor’s yard is so messy and overgrown?
“We’d never.”
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
People tend to compare aging to a bottle of wine.
You find yourself a little stout and round,
And dust may litter your behind.
Like the grapes that create a fine wine,
The fruits of your labor have become your wisom from age.
Timeless and valued beyond compare,
And the lable may need a bit of repair.
But unlucky for you,
None of this is true.
I wish I could say something better,
My friend, you have aged like cheddar.
There was an Old Man of Calcutta,
Who perpetually ate bread and butter,
Till a great bit of muffin,
On which he was stuffing,
Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta.
I know a guy who had both arms amputated from elbow to shoulder.
He is always serious and never humerus.
Why did the two bears break up at the North Pole?
They were polar opposites.
What do you call old horses?
Ancient roans.
The hotdog severely fell behind in school which is why he has to ketchup.
I see my future like how the Americans spell colour. Without u.
Our flamingo colleague was leaving for a new job recently. We all told him to flamingo for it.
Nowadays oranges have decided to go out with prune. The reason is that it is becoming so hard to find a date.
Theater sound guys aren't always good speakers
The brain is an amazing organ
it really makes you think.
Why cant a dwarf be depressed?
Because they are compressed.
I installed a sky light in my apartment.
The people upstairs were not happy at all.
It’s so cold the rats in the alley were bribing the cats for a snuggle.
Why don't cows have any money? Because farmers milk them dry
What do cats eat for breakfast?
Mice krispies.
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
“The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.” – Groucho Marx
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
Did you hear? The pilgrims rode the May-Flour so that they could bake bread as they went to America. This is a cute option.
Which Bible Character is a locksmith?
Zaccheus.
"Driving fast on the track does not scare me. What scares me is when I drive on the highway I get passed by some idiot who thinks he is Fangio."
– Juan Manuel Fangio
"A Cancer's bed is their sanctuary. Therefore, if you can't find them, look under the down comforter."
— Unknown
When does a hot dog have a close shave? At the barber-cue!
What did the pig exclaim when the wolf grabbed its tail?
“That’s the end of me!”
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
What do you call money that grows on trees? Marijuana
Easter is grammatically incorrect.
We should say more east.
What do you call it when a truck of tortoises crashes into an aquarium?
A turtle disaster.
What is suns favorite chocolate bar?
A milky way.
Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people
Then the grenade exploded.
What is a bunch of crows gathering money called? Crow funding.
Where do rocks like to sleep? In bedrocks!
You know those silly hacker movies where they're hacking so hard they type on two keyboards at once?
Such blatant stereo-typing
I introduced chocolate to milk. They did a chocolate milk shake.
I think there'll be a ferry-tale ending to this trip.
I entered an auction on Ebay for a water butt cleaner.
But, I got out-bidet.
How do whales make a decision?
They flipper coin.
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