What falls all the time and never gets hurt? Rain.
Why are oranges the smartest fruit?
Because they are made to concentrate.
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic
There was a fish who wanted to be a broadcaster...
Until he went on air.
What’s a snow princess’s glow worm’s favourite song?
Let it Glow, Let it Glow!
How do you get rid of a witch’s hex?
Draw a hex-a-gone.
What do you call a crab that throws things?
Lobster
Correct punctuation: the difference between a sentence that’s well-written and a sentence that’s, well, written.
I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.
I had a job directing an elementary school theater production.
It wasn't hard work, after all, it was child's play.
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
Silly Sally swiftly shooed seven silly sheep. The seven silly sheep Silly Sally shooed shilly-shallied south. These sheep shouldn’t sleep in a shack; sheep should sleep in a shed.
You cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo and you end up with a turtle
neck jumper.
What do you call it when a skeleton is having a great time?
An osteoblast.
[Food Spread] This is the line of scrumptiousness.
How do you do math in your head?
Just use imaginary numbers.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
He wanted to get to the other slide.
Why did the Easter bunny fire the duck?
He kept quacking all the eggs.
What took you so long? I've been Kuwait-ing for you my whole life.
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
It might take a village to raise a child...
but it only takes a viking to raze a village.
Oh my beloved belly button.
The squidgy ring in my midriff mutton.
Your mystery is such tricky stuff:
Why are you so full of fluff?
(Richard Leavesley)
I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift. Thing is, I couldn’t find a manual.
I used to hate tennis, but ever since I’ve started winning 6-0, I love it now.
Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
I watched, horrified as two trucks carrying cheese crashed into each other. De brie was all over the road.
What did one nut say to the other?
“Cashew later.”
Hey babe, how about I plan a romantic weekend get away, and while I’m gone you can pack your shit and GTFO?
What was Peppa Pig's family doing on Thanksgiving?
They were bacon stuff.
Bad puns are how eye roll.
What do you call the first person to kill someone with a gun?
First person shooter
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? Milk and Quackers!
How do you get a baby alien to sleep?
Rocket.
What did the pilot of the Enola Gay say before dropping the bomb ?
"Let me Atom."
Last winter was so cold, I couldn’t stop telling my wife how much I glove her.
What do you call Batman when he is injured?
Bruised Wayne.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Where do zombies go for beach holidays?
The Dead Sea.
Time to celery-brate.
The two loaves of bread could not wait to stare through the delivery room window. They wanted to see their new bun-dle of joy.
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
There once was a koala who could run at a speed of more than 800 miles per hour. He was the first koala to break the sound bearier.
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz
“A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way. ~Mark Twain
What’s the best time for Frankenstein to go to a party?
Fright now.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
Robin Williams
What happens when a frogs car breaks down?
It has to be toad away.
Why do dogs run in circles?
Because it’s hard to run in a square.
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