Why did the River need Jesus? It was dammed.

If you were a boat I would keep you in a garage.

Do you like strawberries or blueberries? - Cuz I need to know what pancakes to make you in the morning.

“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”

- Katherine Hepburn.

A tutor who tooted the flute tried to teach two young tooters to toot. Said the two to the tutor, ‘Is it harder to toot, or to tutor two tooters to toot?

What do you call a baby monkey? A Chimp off the old block.

Hey baby, let me take you on a trip around the world.

What do you call a kangaroo in Africa?
Lost.

What the difference between you and a calendar? a calendar has dates.

Why was the mummy added to the game as a pinch hitter?
Because the manager knew he could wrap it up.

What does a bee use to brush it's hair ?
A Honeycomb.

Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.

Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.

The local baker keeps punching his doughy friend because he wants to get a rise out of him.

"Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right shoe is choosing the left one."
Unknown

After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.

Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.

Q. What did the computer say to the cookie?
A. "Can I have your chocolate chip?"

Who succeeded the first President of the United States?
The second one.

Irish I had better jokes.

It's almost Summer! Time to find out what my friends with swimming pools have been up to since last summer...

How do you prepare a Gorilla sundae? Your start getting it ready Fridae and Saturdae!

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a goat.
How long has this been going on?
Since I was a kid.

I saw a homeless dude and gave him a dollar.
Then I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.

I've fallen in love- I don't know why
I've fallen in love with a girl with one eye.

I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me

She's charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you'd expect from a girl who's monocular.

Of eyes - at the moment - she hasn't full quota
But that doesn't change things for me one iota.

It must be quite difficult if you're bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.

But she's made up her mind. She's made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.

She'll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she'll see me in church.

I'll marry my true love who's gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.

(By Andrew Jefferson)

How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.

What do athletes drink before games? Sport-Tea.

Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.

Why did the fish cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.

I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.

Who granted the fish a wish?
The fairy codmother.

Someone once asked if I ever played the violin
I told him that I had fiddled with it.

“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”
Doug Larson

How did the skeleton bring his groceries home from the market?
He used his Cart-ilage.

What did the skydiver say in autumn? I love the fall.

What did the water plant worker say when their facility flooded?
Dam.

Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...

What garment are you most likely to spot a house in?
Address

“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin

What do you call someone that plays Tenor and Alto saxophone?
Bisaxual.

The expensive dog has gone missing.
However, police are saying that at least they have a lead. Once she is found they will Retriever.

What's a frog's favorite game?
Croak-et.

Why did the house make an appointment with the doctor?
It had a window-pane.

Our backstage manager is leaving at the end of the year. He has been an outstanding member of our theatre team.
Props to him.

Where do Egyptians seal away their drugs?
In a narcophagus.

Which search engine is popular amongst mice? Ask Cheese.

“Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.” – Anonymous

Q: Why is it so windy in England?
A: Because Harry Kane (hurricane) lives there..

Wow, we really matched? I guess we’re simply Seb-posed to be

I went deep sea diving and a mollusk wanted to give me a hug!
Damn cuddlefish.