What happened to the cheery that showed up for the tomato auditions? He was called an imposter.
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
The fact that there is a highway to hell, and only a staircase to heaven
Says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Why did the dog cross the road?
To get out of the barking lot.
Are electrons pessimistic or optimistic?
Obviously pessimistic, they are always negative!
What kind of pasta do skeletons enjoy eating the most?
Elbow macaroni.
My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will.
When I took them to be valued, I was told that they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius. Sadly they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.
She didn’t date the gardener. He was too rough around the hedges.
How does an elf get to Santa's workshop? By icicle.
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
You dropped something. My jaw.
When I said "God, Thank you for this delicious noodle soup", my dad said "Ramen".
How does a lumberjack trim his beard?
With a chinsaw.
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.”
– Betty Reese
After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.
Why do snowmen always get injured when playing sports?
Because they refuse to warm up!
Why is pumpkin pie so much better than sweet potato pie?
Sweet potatoes are ungourdly.
Which tool does a peach biologist often use for its experiment? – A peachtree dish (Petri dish).
St. Patrick’s Day makes me Spring to life.
There was an Old Man of Vesuvius,
Who studied the works of Vitruvius;
When the flames burnt his book,
To drinking he took,
That morbid Old Man of Vesuvius.
I've never understood the fashion industry, those people are so clothes-minded.
In Spain, you should not develop a program beyond 2.0.
Because that would be over dos.
My wife said to me, if you don't get off of the computer and help with the housework, she will bash my head on the keyboard.
But I think she's JokiSDGF4s475241GHHHNM,GDSSSDFSDFSDFADGHKLL;/UYRT5555rrTTTTTTEEEECbbbbbbbbII003333454587111,KSDFUJYTFD3u8ol;b ki90l.YJNMLGDSFSDASEDRUKOML'M :][EYRTYB;JIOI#M#KYFU6DCK ;/[]/
Why did E come out of the bathroom U?
He must've had a vowel movement.
Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
How do astronauts eat their ice cream? In floats!
Hey cutie, I Sense you have a lot of Sensibility. Was that too Austen-tatious of me to point out?
The hotdog severely fell behind in school which is why he has to ketchup.
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
What do you call an artistic piece of furniture?
A drawer
Why can't you take a turkey to church? They use FOWL language.
We stood at the bars as the sun went down
Beneath the hills on a summer day;
Her eyes were tender and big and brown,
Her breath as sweet as the new-mown hay.
Far from the west the faint sunshine
Glanced sparkling off her golden hair;
Those calm, deep eyes were turned toward mine,
And a look of contentment rested there.
I see her bathed in the sunlight flood,
I see her standing peacefully now,
Peacefully standing and chewing her cud,
As I rubbed her ears—that Jersey cow.
(Anonymous)
I know you’ve turned me down before, but I’m asking for an extra shot.
Why was the cheese asked to leave the restaurant?
The cook said “we don’t serve your rind here”.
Why did the owl join Tinder?
He didn’t want to be owl by himself.
What did the pear say to the other pear when they just got together?
It’s good to be a pair.
What's a ghost with a broken leg called? A hoblin goblin.
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
A Ghost walks into a bar. No ones notices.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
What do you call a berry that plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity!
Did Texas survive last week's winter storms?
Burrrrrrrrrrrrrrly.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up
(Ogden Nash)
Tonight I will be exercising my freedom of assembly… outside your bedroom window.
Where do Vikings go when they get old?
The Norsing home.
“Friends give you a shoulder to cry on. But best friends are ready with a shovel to hurt the person that made you cry.”
— Unknown
“If Monday was a gift, I would happily return it to the person who gave it to me.”
What do you call four Spanish guys in a capsized boat?
Quatro sinko.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
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