A drum rolled down a hill.
Ba-dum tsssh!
“Monday is almost Tuesday, which is not so far from Wednesday which is neighboring Thursday, and Friday. Enjoy your day!”
Where do bats get their education?
In night schools.
If you date me, you'll eventually see a diamond.
What do sophisticated fish drink? Salt-Tea.
Why didn't the mexican archer fire his bow?
Because he didn't habanero.
What's the name of the funniest mountain range in the world? The Himhilarious.
Many mumbling mice are making merry music in the moonlight.
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
I pitcher us together forever.
Were you forged by Sauron? Because baby, you're precious.
Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
I was going to buy a new pillow....
but I decided I better sleep on it first
What do you call an old snowman? A creek.
Why can't guitars have fun with friends with benefits?
Because without strings attached they just can't play...
"I want to do with you what spring does with the cherry trees."
― Pablo Neruda, Twenty Love Poems and A Song of Despair
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
I peed my pants every time I stood in front of my first-grade class to talk.
That's how I lost my teaching license.
You just can’t trust real estate developers.
They’re always busy with plots and schemes.
Why did the man bring a gun to the clock factory?
To kill some time.
You mermaid to go far.
Sometimes you have to green and bear it.
I just found out that Mercedes is donating state-of-the-art street sweepers to some of the largest cities around the world to help fight littering.
They're calling it Mercedes-clenz.
There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky
This much is plane to sea
How do you make an Octopus laugh?
With tentacles!
Tonight, I’m on a hunt for your number.
Q. Which deer was a fascist dictator?
A. Moose Al Ini.
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
Whom did the cheesy Bible start with? Edam and Eve.
"Dust"
The grey dust runs on the ground like a mouse,
Over the doorstep and into the house,
Under the bedsteads and tables and chairs,
Up to the rooms at the top of the stairs,
Down to the cellar, across the brick floor-
There! It is off again by the back door!
Never a mousetrap can catch the grey mouse
Who keeps the brooms busy all over the house!
– P. A. Ropess
How many birds does it take to change a light bulb?
Normally three, but Toucan.
If you’re looking for potato puns, you can count on me to chip in.
I like you cherry much.
Why don't bananas snore? Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
What's the difference between a stepping stool and a miniature 3D printer?
The former is a little ladder and the latter is a little former.
She sells seashells by the seashore.
Why didn't the unripe strawberry got any cards and chocolates for Valentine's Day? Because it was really sour.
My mom: son, why did I find "how to delete your history" in your history?
Me: because it was useless.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes?
To make them light and fluffy.
“You fool! You’re 30 cents away from having a quarter!” –Sweet Dick Willie (Robin Harris)Do the Right Thing
You are so beautiful that you give the sun a reason to shine.
A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”
We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”
“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”
How does a Pegasus ask her boyfriend to propose?
She says “You’ve got to put a wing on it.”
"Half the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them." - Martin H. Fischer
There was a young lady named Perkins,
Who just simply lived on gherkins.
In spite of advice,
She ate so much spice,
That she ruined her internal working's.
What do you call Tyrannosaurus rex when it wears a cowboy hat and boots ? Tyrannosaurus tex!
What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.
How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff.
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