Why do trees like to watch Star Trek? They really relate to the Captain’s log.
A pilot friend of mine took the flight exam and flew past a rainbow. No wonder, he passed with flying colors.
Sandy was a chocoholic,
The worst I've ever seen!
If she didn't eat some daily,
She'd become crazy mean!
It didn't matter what kind it was,
Ice cream, cake, pie or candy,
As long as it was chocolate,
Sandy was fine and dandy!
Then one day the unthinkable happened,
To the chocolate loving miss,
While eating her favorite candy,
She choked on a chocolate kiss!
"Death by chocolate," the coroner concluded,
As to the cause of Sandy's death.
At least she died doing what she loved,
Eating chocolate til her last breath.
(Kim Merryman)
Hey girl, I'd give you my heart but I already gave it to Jesus.
You can have my number though.
I just got a new bathtub
But we dont have to get into that right now
If I am a GPS, will you take me running every day?
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
Date a soccer player. We can go for 90 minutes and know 11 different positions.
My son ate daffodil bulbs instead of onions
But that's really serious! Is he in hospital?
Yes, he's still a bit yellow, but he should be coming out in the spring.
A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
Are you made of uranium? I’m made of iodine! That explains why all I can see is U and I together.
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
Greg Tamblyn
Nice dress, can I talk you out of it?
I don't have a foot fetish, but I'm pretty into mistle-toe.
There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a new blonde joke.
One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb.
She spent the whole next day learning all her states and capitals.
That night when he got home he told his joke.
She says, "I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me."
He thought for a moment and asked, "What is the capital of Massachusetts?"
She quickly replied, "M"!
Why do criminals hate coins?
Because half of them are coppers.
Which type of whale can fly?
Pilot whales.
I really caribou-t you.
The navy is now taking dogs along on their submarines
They're subwoofers
Why do zombies speak Latin?
It’s a dead language.
I had to clean my filter twice after I saw how beautiful you are because I couldn’t believe my Arabicas.
How does white chocolate turn into dark chocolate?
Turn off the lights.
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
If I told you that you have a wonderful antibody, would you hold it against me?
Basketball players are not that patient to follow-through an elaborate court-ship procedure.
When do you put paprika on eggs? Fry-Day.
There was an Old Man of the North,
Who fell into a basin of broth;
But a laudable cook,
Fished him out with a hook,
Which saved that Old Man of the North.
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
What did the Viking chieftain say when asked about his motivation?
"I'm in it for the longhall."
Whats a good Spanish sports channel?
ESBieN.
What did the glass of wine say to the beer?
Nothing... They barley knew each other.
What happens when you seriously overstuff yourself with turkey at Thanksgiving?
You have a few slices of pumpkin pie.
Tried acting in a theatre full of farmers. Got mooed off stage.
A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.
Why did the keyboard not get any sleep?...
Because it has two shifts.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
What type of cats usually purr the best? Purr-sians!
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.
Took a tour of Pisa, Italy...
Tour guide said “Hello, my name is Eileen.”
My wife was a bit down so I decided to redecorate our living room.
Thought it would chair her up but sofa she haven't even noticed
I wish they’d change the scoring system, but tennis is set in its ways and doesn’t see the point.
I feel like God's telling me that you should go on a date with me.
What do you call somebody who's addicted to trimming hair?
A clipptomaniac!
Where do Ghosts travel to for a holiday? South Aarghfricaargh.
What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs bunny
What do you call a sheep with a machine gun?
Lambo.
Mermaids always drink mermosas.
Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's out of business. And, speaking of Hershey's, how about a kiss?
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
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