I am out of chemistry jokes. I should zinc of a new one.
What do you get when you cross a snake and a frog?
A jump rope.
I thought happiness started with an H. Why does mine start with U?
What is a polar bear’s favorite snack?
Brrrrrittos.
You know, people say they pick their nose,
but I feel like I just was born with mine.
Q: Why couldn't the Pharaoh sing?
A: He hurt his larSphinx
My friends and I are in search of some fresh vegetables puns.
Please lettuce know if you find any.
I tried to catch the fog.
But I mist.
If I buy a soccer ball, will you kick it with me?
What did the river say to the beaver? You look so tide'y.
What type of toilet paper does the math house have?
Multiply.
It’s so hot the cows are producing evaporated milk.
Did we fall from the sky? Because we look pretty broken up right now.
What does a cow ride when his car is broken?
A COW-asaki MOO-torcycle.
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
Winston Churchill
What are a submissive's favorite vegetables?
Collared greens.
They say that you can spike a volleyball. But you can never take away its dig-nity.
Hey girl. Are you a beaver cuz damn.
There are actually two types of apple: pine – apple and bad – apple.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
The photographer mummy was done with his shoot. So he told his crew to wrap it up.
There once was a girl named Sam
Who did not eat roast beef and ham
She ate a green apple
Then drank some Snapple
Some say she eats like a lamb.
My wife is furious at me for buying an expensive make-your-own-perfume kit.
But it just made scents to me.
I’m browsing the winter-net.
Why aren’t dogs good dancers?
Because they have two left feet.
What do you call a communist violin?
The second Fidel.
What is the name of the knight that spreads all the rumors and news of the court and the king amongst the people? Sir Culate.
My girlfriend said to me, "I'm sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up."
I said, "Good idea - we can cover more ground that way."
What did one boat say to the other boat?
Are you interested in a little row-mance?
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
What do you call a Stegosaurus with carrots in its ears? Anything you want, it can't hear you!
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
(Unknown)
What do horses use to eat?
Breastplates.
I was gonna make a joke about Mediterranean food...
But hummus have missed the mark, and now I falafel.
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
Had to replace all the bulbs in the side table lamps. Then I had to replace the ones in my ceiling fan.
That was the highlight of my day.
My chair is missing an arm and a leg.
That doesn't sit well with me.
Q: What falls but never hits the ground?
A: The temperature
Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.
What do you call a deer wearing an explosive vest?
Bombi.
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
George Carlin
“Is it Monday already? I’m almost positive I did not get my entire portion of the weekend.”
How much caramel can a canny canonball cram in a camel if a canny canonball can cram caramel in a camel?
There was an Old Man at a casement,
Who held up his hands in amazement;
When they said, 'Sir, you'll fall!'
He replied, 'Not at all!'
That incipient Old Man at a casement.
What fish are at the zoo?
Lion fish!
Are you a magnet? Because I find you very attractive.
Why do neurons like e-mail?
The love messages.
Did you hear about the limo driver who went 25 years without a customer? All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.
Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
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