We child-proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
I couldn't chair less!
“If Monday was a gift, I would happily return it to the person who gave it to me.”
There was an Old Person of Mold,
Who shrank from sensations of cold,
So he purchased some muffs,
Some furs and some fluffs,
And wrapped himself from the cold.
Thanks to you, I’m saddled with unnecessary peelings.
Why wasn't the taxidermist invited to Thanksgiving dinner?
No one wanted to try his stuffing
What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
What do you call a furniture store that is over 30 miles away?
The Sofa-r store
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
May I have your number, so we stop being strangers?
What do you get if a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.
I got worried about climate change when realtors in Iowa started advertising their listings as “potential waterfront property.”
It’s so hot I bought a loaf of bread and by the time I got home, it was toast.
How did the witch feel about using her broom to do housework?
She bristled at the suggestion!
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
A system administrator has 2 problems:
1. Dumb users
2. Smart users
My love for you is like diarrhea. I just can't hold it in.
I think if Rome hadn't been built on a hill...
..it wouldn't have had such a fast decline.
Why is it annoying to eat next to basketball players?
They dribble all the time.
"Thanks a brunch for the meal!", said the punny man when he sat to eat.
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
The guy planted a light bulb and though he’d get a power plant.
What happens if someone chucks a rock at you? You hit the rock’s bottom.
Teaching babies to walk is hard, but you just have take it one step at a time.
Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. -- Fred Allen
. What do you call it when you heard the same jogger pun earlier, yet laughed again?
A running joke.
Are you a lightbulb? Because you turn me on.
Call me Hamstring, 'cause you've pulled.
“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow
"You don't pay taxes ― they take taxes."
― Chris Rock
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
Shell yeah.
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant's head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke's son and knocked him off the battlefield.
Yeah, apparently it was the first-ever serf face to heir missile.
What is a car’s favourite job?
Caretaker.
What happens when you’re alone and you get too cold.
You’re totally ice-olated.
Why do Santa’s helpers go to therapy?
To help their elf esteem.
How do Eskimos make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
Who cleans the bottom of the ocean? A Mer-Maid
A kid at the spelling bee was asked to spell "inward"
A teacher tackled him after the first G
What food did the Gorilla order when he went to France?
Ape Suzettes.
What do ghoul scouts hope to achieve by selling halloween cookies? They hope to make a good first impression.
Did you hear about the pig that ran the Post Office?
He was the first Porkmaster General.
Last week, I met someone who specialized in the studies of shrubs and grasses. He called himself Neil De-grass-y Tyson!
"Eggs love you."
"Bee"
A bee comes tapping at my screen,
Buzzing, bumping, sounding mean.
Bouncing, pushing, acting wired,
With no thought of getting tired.
¨I could say, “Dear bee, what is it?
Would you like to come and visit?”
But I feel his anger’s keen.
So I’m glad I have a screen!
– Denise Rodgers
What should you put on the tomb stone of a mathematician?
"He didn't count on this."
Where do Russians get all of their milk from? Mos-cow!
Why DID seven eat nine?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!
Why did the skeleton go to the hospital?
To have his ghoul bladder removed.
How do you describe an acorn in one sentence? In a nutshell, it is an oak tree.
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