Heard Russia has the vaccine to Coronavirus. I'm probably not Putin that into my body.
What is good at maths and related to a crocodile?
A calcu-gator
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Needle.
Needle who?
Needle little money for the movies.
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
My moment in the sun.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
Who do elephants get their Christmas presents from?
Elephanta Claus.
Why did the panda’s joke suck?
It was unbearable.
Snowmen decide on everything with a game of eeny, meeny, miny, snow.
What kind of tea do babies drink? Tit Tea.
A physics teacher writes a question on a board:
"A 40 kg child that 100 cm tall is holding a parent's arms swinging them 0.5 revolutions a second. If the parent let go of the child after 2 seconds, where will the child end up?"
A few moments later, the teacher then comes over and reads a student's answer:
"In a foster home."
Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.
Who has better beer: Rabbits or Kangaroos?
Kanagaroos. While they both do great with the hops, Kangaroos just have a little more kick!
Why was the food critic fired?
They didn't reference their sauces
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
My kid asked why I named our WiFi "ship"?
But that's how everything syncs.
You must be marked Prestissimo… because you’re dashing.
The Grinch may have stolen Christmas, but you stole my heart.
Why didn't the artist replace his kitchen sink? Because he said that if it's not baroque, don't fix it.
What is a witch's favorite makeup?
A ma-scare-a.
Puns make me numb, but math puns make me...
Number.
I left chess club early this week.
I was just so board.
When I first started playing chess, I thought the castle could move diagonally.
Classic rook-y mistake.
“So few people admit to belief in astrology, but I am yet to meet anyone who doesn't know their star sign.”
― P.K. Shaw
Hunting elephants is illegal as ivory well know.
Q: What happens when two oranges collide?
A: They get en-tang-led!
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort.
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
What do you call a person with a peg nose acting suspicious?
Suspeg.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
What does Avogadro put in his hot chocolate?
Marsh-mole-ows
What do you call a cow that only produces almond milk? One that went nuts.
The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.
You're like a dictionary - you add meaning to my life!
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde
Chuck Norris has a bear rug.
No it's not dead it's just too scared to move
"There is no WiFi in the forest but you will find a better connection."
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
“Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson
Roses are red,
Facebook is blue.
No mutual friends,
Who in the world are you?
Why was the pig a pathological liar? It’s a porcine-ality disorder.
“If being awesome was a crime, I would be serving a life sentence.”
Anonymous
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
“Abs are temporary. Chocolate is forever.”
― Unknown
Did you get to hear his new collection of wolf puns? They are howl-arious, absolutely rib cracking.
What did they baby corn say to the mama corn?
Where’s pop corn?
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car.
Throw you off a tree so high.
Hope you break your neck and die!
Twinkle Twinkle little star.
Go to heck, it isnt far.
There was a Young Lady of Dorking,
Who bought a large bonnet for walking;
But its colour and size,
So bedazzled her eyes,
That she very soon went back to Dorking.
You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
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