What do you call a guy who only rides children's bicycles?
A pedalphile
In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!
Even if injuries end it prematurely, Paul's had a good Kariya.
There are lots of funny jokes about mushrooms that can give you stitches. However, you need to be patient enough because they need time to grow on you.
Did you hear about the painter who works in jail? They say he had a brush with the law.
What’s a snow princess’s glow worm’s favourite song?
Let it Glow, Let it Glow!
How do you describe an acorn in one sentence? In a nutshell, it is an oak tree.
Once you've seen one Lion eat a Giraffe...
You've seen a maul!
Call me Pooh. Because all I want is you, honey!
“Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.”
- Oscar Wilde
At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist's work.
They finally went with mine.
"I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral," I said.
"No," said the boy. "Your painting's wider, so it'll cover more holes in our wall."
Why did the Jack-O-Lantern go to the pumpkin patch?
Because he had holes in him.
What do cows sing at their friend’s birthday parties?
“Happy Birthday to MOO, Happy Birthday to Moo!"
How do Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code!
There once was a [person] from [place]
Whose [body part] was [special case].
When [event] would occur,
It would cause [him or her]
To violate [law of time/space]
It’s so cold I walk to school with a toaster in my pants.
My mom likes to feed everyone the soup she makes. She said it is her broth right.
I got in a fight with a crab yesterday.
When I punched him he ran, goon.
How does a horse tow its trailer?
With a Ford Bronco.
What do you call fake oranges?
“Pulp Fiction”
How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
Why do bees stay in the hive during the winter?
Swarm.
As I put the car in reverse, I thought to myself:
"This really takes me back".
Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
My favorite element on the periodic table is Uranium, because I am in love with U.
Why did the Archaeopteryx always catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!
My magical watch says you aren’t wearing any panties. Oh, you are? It must be an hour fast!
What did the health-nut say to himself at the gym? “No pine, no gain”
Wow, you feel like a comet, you are a once-in-a-lifetime experience, and I’m glad I didn’t miss it. Can I buy you a drink?
"Even if the farmer intends to loaf, he gets up in time to get an early start."
- E.W. Howe
Did you hear about the pig that ran the Post Office?
He was the first Porkmaster General.
When we cross a deer and a mouse, what would we get?
“Mickey Moose!”
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
Knife and a fork bottle and a cork
that is the way you spell New York.
Chicken in the car and the car can go,
that is the way you spell Chicago.
What online search engine do spooky monsters use?
Ghoulghoul.
“Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness and shenanigans.”
— Unknown
Man: If your left leg was breakfast and your right leg was lunch, I wouldn't be able to resist snacking between meals.
Woman: If your left leg was yoga and your right leg was cycling, I wouldn't be able to resist kickboxing between classes.
What's green and got two wheels?
A motorpickle.
What do pigs drive? Pigup trucks.
Take off those blue suede shoes and let's shake rattle n roll!
Who answers the door at the nut house?
The peanut buttler.
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
He planted a light bulb and thought he'd get a power plant.
What can you make with 6.02 x 10^23 avocados?
Guaca-mole.
What do you call a dinosaur that left its armor out in the rain ? A Stegosau-rust.
That dress would look great on my bedroom floor!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up, it’s cold out here!
“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.”
Calvin Coolidge
“Fan the sinking flame of hilarity with the wing of friendship; and pass the rosy wine.”
— Charles Dickens
Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery
But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!
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