Whenever fall arrives, leaves start changing their color autumn-matically.
During the pandemic, all the children asked to draw pictures of the different types of grass. The children had to submit their grass-essments online.
What’s black and white, black and white, and black and white?
A penguin rolling down a hill.
What do you call a cute donut?
A-dough-able.
Can I hiber-mate with you?
Hey baby, you got any diseases? Want some?
How do you know when a bike is thinking?
You can see its wheels turning.
What do you call a man with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows
What kind of vehicle does Bigfoot drive?
A big toe-truck.
What type of car did the mushroom drive by in? A spores car.
I almost had a predicament trying to call someone in the same room as me. It was a close call.
“No animal, according to the rules of animal-etiquette, is ever expected to do anything strenuous, or heroic, or even moderately active during the off-season of winter.” — Kenneth Grahame
Pirates used to make a delicious snack for themselves by crossing pate with flowers. They called it “lily livered”.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
On which website will you learn about the hidden gossips and secrets of the onion world? On the website Wiki-Leeks.
Friend you’re one year older
Time waits for none, I think.
Since weather’s getting colder
Let me buy you a drink.
I’ll make sure it’s really hot
And quite the tasty brew.
Now let’s drink up to the thought
I’m not as old as you!
Once upon a time I was accidentally made a priest.
It was a clerical error.
I slept with a lemon once. Now I have lemonaids.
What did the flower write in his mother’s day card?
I’m proud to be orchid.
What does a pizza say when it wants to cuddle?
Fold me close.
There is a rule that cats can shed hair on anything in the house… It is called fur-niture for a reason!
Which murderer kills at the bottom of the ocean?
Jack the Kipper.
What’s the best tool to have when your heart sinks?
A Jack of Hearts.
I am lucky to live in an airport, but whenever the guard comes out at night, Heathrows me out.
Vine Thought of the Day: Choosy moms choose wine!
I used to own a raven. It could speak English, but the only word it could speak was "car".
Why did the two slices of bread disappear in the middle of the night? They wanted to e-loaf together.
How do you know when a baby koala bear is happy? You’ll see them jump for joey!
There was an Old Man of the Wrekin
Whose shoes made a horrible creaking
But they said, 'Tell us whether,
Your shoes are of leather,
Or of what, you Old Man of the Wrekin?'
I managed to fix the toilet all on my own today! I'm so proud of myself. Some would even go as far as to say I'm...
flushed with success.
Son: Father can you tell me what a solar eclipse is? Father: No sun.
What's more amazing than a talking turkey? A spelling bee!
A friend of mine was describing an exotic bird to me and asked what was orange and sounded like a parrot. I told him, "A carrot".
What do you call a horse running on a table?
A counter canter.
When does a turkey go "mooooo"? When it is learning a new language!
Is it hot in here, or is that just the Holy Spirit burning in you?
What rock would you find inside a garden shed?
Shedimentary.
Why did the pianist turn around on his way to the grocery store?
He forgot his Chopin Liszt.
You are such a perfect arrangement of atoms.
Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle?
He couldn't spit hot fire yet.
It's so hot out that my sweat is sweating.
Who in the hell names their son “Tiger” ?
Only people in the Woods’
If you want day-old soup, then come back here tomorrow!
What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
I used to search for clams on the beach
But then I pulled a mussel.
What did the ghost knights say to the cloud king?
Our souls will rain forever.
I met my wife at a travel agency
She was looking for a vacation and I was her last resort.
What excuse did the late watermelon give his boss? He said be there in 5 boss, I’m just rind the corner.
Once upon a time a Mexican magician performed in a magic show.
He counted:
“Uno...”
“Dos...”
And disappeared without a trace.
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