What did the lamp say to the flickering candle?
"Do you want to go out sometime soon?"
What's an astronaut's favorite meat? Launch meat!
Q: Doctor, I keep hearing a ringing sound.
A: Then answer the phone!
You run like light. How can I get high-speed access?
How does an antisocial crow say about a family party? "It was murder".
What do horses get after graduating university?
A pedegree.
Are you tired? Because you've been running through my mind all day with a frisbee in your mouth.
There was an Old Man of Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born;
So he sat on a chair,
Till he died of despair,
That dolorous Man of Cape Horn.
Q: What would a peach love to pet?
A: A Pit Bull.
Q: Why is it so windy in England?
A: Because Harry Kane (hurricane) lives there..
“From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash.” – Sophie Tucker
What did one python say to the other before they made a deal?
Let’s “snake” on it.
“Find a job you like and you add five days to every week."
~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
Who does May like the best?
April Showers, because April Showers brings May flowers!
What did the maggot say to another?
What's a nice maggot like you doing in a joint like this?
Snowmen decide on everything with a game of eeny, meeny, miny, snow.
“Monday, you're so jealous of my relationship with Sunday because I am so happy to see you leave!”
Q: How do you call a magic berry?
A: Cherry Potter.
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are on the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
What type of motorcycle do London Plane trees like to ride? Treeumph.
How do you know the tooth fairy is a journalist?
They're always searching for the tooth.
"The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing."
- Jean-Baptiste Colbert
“When life hands you lemons, give them back. You deserve chocolate.”
― Unknown
I'd rather have Fingers than Toes,
I'd rather have Ears than a Nose.
And as for my Hair,
I'm glad it's all there,
I'll be awfully sad when it goes.
I asked the Korean grocer for something to spice up my meals, but I think I got a raw dill.
I once dreamt of crossing a wide river...
But it ended up being just a ferry tale.
Why do you think is the moon bald? Because it has no ‘air.
What kind of magazine does a rock like to read?
Rolling Stone.
What did the Easter bunny say to the carrot?It’s been nice gnawing you.
Flamingoes have a special name for one of their numbers who has passed away. They call it flamingone.
Eggs - the original boneless chicken.
What does a fish say when he makes a mistake?
It was just a fluke!
What kind of key does a ghost use to unlock his room? A spoo-key.
The knife that Abraham used to kill Isaac has been found in Britain.
Apparently, it was a Dyson.
Need an ark?
I noah guy.
Where did the hamsters invade the beaver colony? Hamsterdam.
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
“I’m a Capricorn and I’m mad loyal — mad loyal! — and I will always look for the good in people.”
— Jeannie Mai
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
It’s so cold pet stores sell hamsters, gerbils, and penguins.
Why didn't the 11 year old go to the pirate movie? because it was rated arrrrr!
What do fish use to weigh themselves?
Scales!
What kind of dog sniffs out flowers?
A bud hound.
Did you hear that cats have carried out a Coup in Barcelona and declared independence from Spain?
They're calling themselves the Republic of Catalo-nya.
My neighbor came over to say,
Although not in a neighborly way,
That he'd knock me around,
If I didn't stop the sound,
Of the classical music I play.
My eye doctor’s office is at the shopping mall.
She’s an Opthemallogist.
What goes dot-dot-croak, dot-dash-croak?
Morse toad.
What do you call two fat people having a chat? A heavy discussion.
For waterproofing their nests, crows buy caw-king.
What did the alligator say to the other alligator that was in the way?
“Please move, I need to get bayou.”
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