“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
The calm before the score
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
A physics teacher writes a question on a board:
"A 40 kg child that 100 cm tall is holding a parent's arms swinging them 0.5 revolutions a second. If the parent let go of the child after 2 seconds, where will the child end up?"
A few moments later, the teacher then comes over and reads a student's answer:
"In a foster home."
Did I tell you about my new girlfriend who also plays football?
Yeah.. she‘s a keeper
What do you call a truck-load of tortoises crashing into a train-load of terrapins?
A turtle disaster.
What do you call a nervous witch?
A twitch.
Where do the best kola nuts come from? Kolafornia.
Q: How does a butcher keep his tent up in a strong winds?
A: With steaks!
Where do mathematicians like to party?
In bar graphs.
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
A beaver's experience in college deep-ends on if they go to the best university.
The sheep says to the shepherd "you're an jerk and I hate you!" and the shepherd says "Say what?"
And the sheep goes "You herd me!"
Where did Vegans come from?
Hummus Sapiens
In grammar you shouldn’t do double negatives.
It’s a no no.
What do you get when you drink milk
A moostache
Are you made of copper and tellurium? Because you're CuTe.
Why did the sapling jump in the ocean? He wanted to swim with the manatrees.
What did the heart say to the brain before an exam?
You look nervous.
I'm attracted to you so strongly, scientists will have to develop a fifth fundamental force.
Hey would you believe me if I said I was bitten by a crocodile?
Six sleek swans swam swiftly southwards.
Is your name Ariel? Because we mermaid for each other.
What kind of doctor checks ghost poo?
A ghost-roenterologist.
What do Penguins like to eat?
Brrrrrrrritos.
What does a placebo say on Halloween?
“Trick or Treatment!”
A famous turtle is called a shell-ebrity.
I've seen a meteor shower,
but never seen a meteor take a bath.
What happened when rockers couldn't get their favorite dessert? Rage against the Broken Ice Cream Machine.
What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white?
Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.
What did Papa cabinet advise to his Son cabinet before his first date?
"Just be youshelf"
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
Flamingos can get away with the most outrageous behaviour and you’d never know that they were embarrassed. This is because you can never tell when they are blushing.
Sorry for stating the obvious
But you look good!
A strawberry usually gets stuck often when it gets jammed.
When the baby onion was misbehaving, the father onion told it, "You better behave, you cheeky chops!"
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Accordion
Accordion who?
Accordion to the forecast, it's going to rain tonight.
Golf is what you play…
When you’re too out of shape to play softball.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”
W. C. Fields
Which nut is the best at playing tag?
Catch-yous aka cashews.
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
What do you call a weary Viking conqueror?
Bluetooth low energy
I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
What cars do zombies drive?
Monster trucks.
We bee-long together.
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Steven Wright
Today my son drew a picture of a kangaroo without a body.
I couldn't make heads or tails of it.
Where do penguins go to dance?
The snow ball.
Be careful what you say in a corn maze. The walls have ears.
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