This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine.
A sheep, an idiot, and a snake walk into a bar.
Baaaa dumb hisssssss.
How do you impregnate a submarine?
Fill it with seamen.
It takes one to snow one.
“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”
Anonymous
What's the worst part about April Fools?
Jokes without punchlines.
How many drum sets can you store on a sofa?
One per cushion
Leave poetry to the prose.
What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
Ruthless.
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? Boy! I'm stuffed!
Did you hear about the spies trying to infiltrate japan, Italy, and Germany in WWII?
They were denied axis.
Was going to change my password to MilkyTea but apparently that's too weak.
What's a chef's favourite drug?
Pot.
What do you call a snake that builds things?
A boa constructor.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
Why do oranges wear suntan lotion? They peel in the sun.
When the wolf stood on the grape, the latter said nothing but let out a little bit of a wine.
Roses are red, Violets are blue,
I’m sorry if I made you feel awkward, I just want to have dinner with you.
Are you from Tennessee?
Because you look inbred.
What do you call a Koala that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
Why did the volleyball player get sent to jail? Because he was set up.
People who fall sick at the airport possibly end up with terminal illness.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
The knight fell very sick over the weekend. He had a running temperature and was feeling very nauseous. The doctor called it the Saturday Knight Fever.
“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
I have a musician friend who is always upbeat. When she developed ringing in one ear, I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician. She shook her head. “Not really,” she replied cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
“Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education.”
— Mark Twain
What do you call a shark that can’t stop singing “U Cant Touch This?”
An M.C. Hammerhead.
I was a bit worried about making breakfast on Halloween
But I ain't afraid of no toast.
What did the conifer say when he finally got alone with his crush? It’s just yew and me, baby.
Whats green and can jump a mile a minute?
A frog with hiccups.
What type of dog does Dracula have?
A bloodhound.
If I gave you my shoe, would you step into my life?
There’s a hair in my wine. The grapes must have been fur-mented.
Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.
No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says. He is always convinced that it says what he means. -- George Bernard Shaw
Why are koala's so sleepy? Because you just got to be tired being so darn cute all day!
What part of the brain deals with knowledge about plants?
The treefrontal cortex.
What do you call a dinosaurs fart? "A blast from the past"
Which flower is known as the most ferocious flower? A tiger lily.
What’s the difference between a crow and a chicken?
A chicken can crow, but a crow can’t chicken.
When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.
Are you a 45-degree angle, because you’re perfect.
Babe can I get a cookie that tastes like you?
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
I introduced chocolate to milk. They did a chocolate milk shake.
What does a fish say when he makes a mistake?
It was just a fluke!
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