I love your energy.
"Patience is not a virtue for Aries. The phrase Speak now or forever hold your peace, was probably created by an impatient Aries."
— Dr. Atara
Babies born March 31st are the easiest to prank on April Fool’s
They were literally born yesterday.
Hey what’s your favourite dessert? Mine’s e-Clairs
What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry
Not only did I have a good time at Taco Bell
I had a Baja Blast
She sells seashells by the seashore.
How many lips does a flower have?
Tulips.
There was a television channel ran by pets, the weather forecast was on and inclement weather was being predicted...
High chance of it raining cats and dogs, howling winds, and a possible purricane.
Did you just fart?
Why, because I blew you away?
No, because you smell like sh*t.
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
Why do dogs find it hard to work the TV remote?
Because they always hit the paws button.
Some people like beer goggles. I prefer wine glasses.
I passed my degree in sound engineering. I got 1-2-1-2!
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
If you can join the seas and the rivers, why not join your lips and mine?
My Japanese dentist became a woman.
He’s a trans zen dentalist.
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
Why was the glow worm unhappy ?
Because her children weren’t that bright !
Love me till ice cream.
Why did the egg go to school?
To get egg-ucated.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
Even Santa doesn't make candy as sweet as you.
How did kids in Ancient Rome get their hair cut?
With little Caesar's.
Mom, you’re so awesome,
I’d never want to trade,
You’re the best mother there ever was,
And I’m the best child ever made!
Why do ghosts and demons get along so well? Demons are a ghoul’s best friend.
When it comes to getting things done, my work ethic is like lightning.
I take the path of least resistance.
Nice dress, can I talk you out of it?
“To shorten winter, borrow some money due in spring. ” — W.J. Vogel
What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face?
A mouse-tache!
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
In the magazine polls held this fall, Autumn was declared as the cutest season because it's awwwtumn!
I got shampoo in my eyes while showering today.
My husband said, "That must've been an eye-soapening experience."
Hey girl, I put the stud in Bible study.
I personally think bunnies are ear-resistible.
"I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel."
- Fran Lebowitz
I gaze at you in awe,
Your beauty leaves me speechless,
I long for your touch,
And I yearn for your kiss.
I can wait no longer,
I can’t leave my heart on the shelf,
Oh whoops, I’m sorry,
I forgot to introduce myself!
I'm no organ donor, but I'd be happy to give you my heart.
Shell yeah.
My friend: *Throws salt at me*
Me: Don’t assault me!
"I consider my refusal to go to the gym today as resistance training ."
- Immortal Souls.
You are shrimply the best!
What did the ghost do at the red light? He came to a dead stop.
Excuse me madan, could you help me? My hands ar so heavy. Could you hold them for me?
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.
What's black and white and eats like a horse?
A zebra.
Can I get your number? Because I like you a latte.
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
It feels great to hit the ball again. It spin a long time.
Is that a telescope in your pants or are you just happy to see me?
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