“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon
Whenever two vegetarians fall in love, you know that’s going to be a great pear. Now lettuce celebrate, because we all love vegetables.
What do peach soldiers say to each other before they are sent into combat? – “Good luck and make sure you come back in one peach!”
When my cat sleeps, he snoozes
Inside the laundry basket,
Or on top of a tree,
Crammed inside a shelf,
Where no-one can see.
In empty shopping bags,
And cartons made of cardboard,
On piles of books and newspapers,
And suitcases that are stored.
Curled up under furniture,
In places we’d never think to look.
Or nestled behind a flower pot,
In a hard to find nook.
Since my cat sleeps for at least sixteen hours each day
He must be bored of sleeping in the same old way!
(Santhini Govindan)
If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?
"I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!"
- Steven Wright
After a long day at work, I feel like half a mythical creature...
Because I'm Dragon Ass.
Why do bears have fur coats?
Because they look silly wearing jackets.
What do you call a vegetable planted at a whore house?
A brothel sprout.
“Hello and welcome to Monday. Do you take sugar, cream, or Valium in your morning coffee?”
When a lion takes a lioness from another lion, he kills and eats any cubs she has. You'd think he'd be ashamed of himself.
But apparently he just swallows his pride.
Why did the pig become an actress? Because she was a real ham!
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
Where do zombies go for beach holidays?
The Dead Sea.
What did the bat do when she did not know the answer in class?
She winged it.
What happens when you go to the beach in hell?
You get a SaTan.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Beatles song? Lettuce Be.
What did the steak say to his enemy? I have a T-bone to pick with you!
What do the lady pigs say when someone leaves the toilet seat up? “Hoof-orgot to put the seat down?"
Your presents is requested.
What is the name of the car that passes through the narrow stream of the river? Fjord.
How do sick kangaroos get better?
They have a hoperation.
What do you get when you spill soup on a comic book? Souperman.
What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.
According to a geologist, why is the world so diverse? Because it's made up of alkynes of people.
What are crisp, like milk and go 'eek, eek, eek' when you eat them? Mice Krispies!
Excuse me, is it you or my coffee that’s getting my heart rate up?
What did the dog say when he sat down on sand paper?
Rough.
Halloween Math
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o'-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
The hipster burnt his tongue. He sipped his coffee before it was cool.
What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.
A flying turtle is called a shellicopter.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
went out with a guy to the bar.
He bought me one and bought me two
but I ended up with Hugh.
What did the dog order at a restaurant?
His owner’s homework.
What do two cherries say when they get married? I promise to cherry-ish you forever.
“Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see.”
“Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.”
My wife left me because I'm so insecure
No wait.. She's back! She was just getting coffee
Growth takes time. Be patient. And while you’re waiting, pull a weed.
— Emilie Barnes
My wife made gluten free, carb free, salt free spaghetti last night
It was not real food, it was an impasta.
Everyone makes fun of him for using old coffee, but he insists it has the greatest sedimental value.
Baby, are you a lane rope? Because I want to lay on you all day long.
“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes.”
— Mick Jagger
A mosquito can fly, but a fly cannot mosquito.
What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig?
A teddy boar.
I wish medusa would stop objectifying people.
Why would a judge make a good tooth fairy?
Because they want the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.
What does a surprised pumpkin say?
OH MY GOURD!
Your voice is so a-do-re-ble to mi
What do you call a pianist who throws trash everywhere?
Litterachi.
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