What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
The best place for a ghost to go on holiday is The Dead Sea.
What do you call a sausage that's been to the doctor? Cured meat!
What do you call a cow that plays the violin?
Moozart.
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
It is only late August, yet the leaves are already turning brown. Autumn came early this year. Orange you glad?
I couldn't chair less!
What is the smallest onion known as? It is known as an electronion.
Leaf me alone.
People hated Ho Chi Minh because he was Hanoi-ing.
How does a vampire bat enter his house?
Through the bat flap.
“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”
– Carl Reiner
I tried riding a camel instead of a horse once.
It had its ups and downs.
Gobbling gargoyles gobbled gobbling goblins.
What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.
Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek?
Because he was always spotted.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
What kind of apple isn't an apple? A pineapple. What did the apple say to the apple pie? "You've got some crust."
Young Billy had to mail a loaf of bread at the toast office today.
I finally found out why flamingos sleep with one leg up! If they had both legs up they would fall over.
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?
The family dog’s nose.
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
Chuck Norris’ tears can cure you of the coronavirus.
Too bad he doesn’t cry.
What do you call a cat that was caught by the police? The purr-petrator.
I usually sing with a deep voice. But when I wash my hands,
I sing faucetto.
What’s the best part of a cow? The topside, of course.
Let's skip the Netflix on the sofa and go straight to chill in my bed.
Guess what I do when my ice house falls apart.
Igloo it back together!
Twinkle twinkle little star,
went out with a guy to the bar.
He bought me one and bought me two
but I ended up with Hugh.
And what should every barista say to their customers? Have a brew-tiful day.
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft
A Duct-ape.
Did you hear about the man who had nothing else to do so drilled into his own head?
He was bored to death.
Are you Australian? Cause you meet all my koala-fications!
I felt so guilty after I stepped on a snail this morning. You should of seen him, he looked genuinely crushed.
What should you do with an old inventory of fine French wine?
Liquidate it to the highest bidder.
What do you get when you play country music backward?
You get your wife back, your dog back, and your job back.
I wonder...
How much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
I like to tell this one joke about homemade bombs
But it always blows up in my face.
What kind of makeup do zombies wear?
Mas-scare-a.
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
- Steve Martin
The forecast said that we’re in for a hot summer; better make sure I watermelon everyday or else the yard will dry up.
Did you hear about the piglets who wanted to do something special for Mother’s Day?
They threw a sowprize party.
Whoever lives by the sword shell die by it.
We get fed up of long car journeys...
...meanwhile, truck drivers get fed ex.
What is a beaver's most favorite song ever? You made me a, you made me a beaver, beaver.
I was walking by a yard sale the other day.
I saw a radio for $1. The volume dial was broken but I knew I couldn’t turn that down.
They say I’m too indecisive to be a tennis umpire
but I still haven’t ruled it out.
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