I got punched in the mouth by a drug addict today.
Now my jaw’s all methed up.
Entwining your fingers in mine
The feeling is simply divine
Running my hands through your beard
Is anything but weird
Rubbing our bare feet together
Is the epitome of pleasure
When our teeth accidentally clash
I love the way we laugh
(Anonymous)
There was a Young Lady of Turkey,
Who wept when the weather was murky;
When the day turned out fine,
She ceased to repine,
That capricious Young Lady of Turkey.
I like my girls like I like my Microsoft Word documents - Saved.
How do you keep the snow from giving you cold feet?
Don’t go around BRRfooted!
I thought I saw some fog yesterday.
But I guess my memory’s a little cloudy.
Why was the pear by himself? Because the banana split.
Where does Snowy the snow man hide his money?
In a snow bank.
I've just been sacked from my job as a prophet..
I didn't see that coming.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
When Lincoln had asked Republican Senator John if he would aid him in capturing Atlanta, he replied, "Sher-man!"
Who never minds being interrupted in the middle of a sentence? A convict.
Why was the math lecture so long?
The professor kept going off on a tangent.
When do you stop at green and go at red? When you're eating a watermelon!
“Winter is like fall except you need five pairs of leggings instead of one.”
How can you make a computer system cry? Delete his cookies.
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
What do cars play at the weekend?
Golf.
A friend failed his medical exam when he X-rayed his lower torso.
He didn’t put his heart into it.
Sorry lady, I'll have to eat you after dinner.
Because you're a snack!
My favorite outdoor activity is the short walk back inside.
It’s the fawn of a new day! - said the deer happily after waking up.
Did you hear about the comedian who entertained at a werewolves’ party?
He had them howling all night.
Have a s-mash-ing birthday!
Why did the zombie bite off the comedian's hands?
His jokes were too funny to handle.
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
Why is it so hard to contact a pirate? He leaves his phone off the hooks.
The only thing hotter than today is you.
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
What kind of fruit did Avogadro eat in the summer?
Water-mole-ns
A cued peach visual communication system is used with people suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
What did one slice of bread say to the other before the race?
You’re toast!
“I'm always in a bad mood on Monday morning. It makes me hate everything for no reason whatsoever.”
Son: Dad, did you know they used to carve turnips on Halloween?
Dad: They must have been out of their gourds.
After a tiring day at work, my wife drew me a relaxing bath. It wasn't very smart of me to ask if it was going to be in color or a sketch.
What’s a horse’s favorite dinosaur?
The broncosaurus.
What kind of birthday cake do they serve in heaven?
Angel food cake.
If you think the 45 degree ski slope is tough,
Wait until you try the 110 degree hot tub!
“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown
Baby, you're a firework.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.
“A photographer gets people to pose for him. A yoga instructor gets people to pose for themselves.” — Terri Guillemets
Sherlock Holmes enters a room carrying a box of lemons
"Where'd you get those?" asks Watson.
"A lemon tree, my dear Watson. A lemon tree."
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
If you were a baseball mit, would you catch my fly balls?
What's a coffee's favorite karaoke song? Hit Me With your Best Shot.
What trees do ghouls like best?
Ceme-trees!
Did you hear about the new holistic elf doctor?
He's a gnome-opath!
By any chance, is your atomic number 11? Well, it’s because you are sodium fine!
Go to BabaMail
