Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.
It’s so cold mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears.
Here's to a big opening weekend.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Rabbit.
Rabbit who?
Rabbit up carefully, it's a present!
How do you celebrate orange drink that doesn't expire?
Woo! Tang is forever!
Everyone knows Albert Einstein because of his research in physics. But most people don’t know about his brother who did research in monster making...
His name was Frank.
“Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.”
William James
Ideally, the cost of a bowling game should be ten pinnies. However, with inflation, the price always goes up.
Why did the Turkey want to join a band?
Because it had drumsticks!
What’s a Movers favorite football team?
The Packers!
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"
How do zombies introduce themselves?
- Pleased to eat you.
What does an onion say when you are upset because of it one day? It says, "I am sorry that I made you cry!"
What do you call a glove combined with a snake?
Smitten.
You're not allowed to use your hands in this game.
What do you get when you cross a bean and an onion?
Teargas.
What did the snail say as he slipped down the wall? How slime flies!
Green vegetables absolutely love going on camps as a group. Their favorite is the Brussels Scouts.
What do gnome standup comedians call a tiny pun?
Puny.
"Your kisses are to dye for."
My brother sprayed on some of his new deodorant. "How do I smell?" He asked.
"With your nose" I replied.
What do you call an ant from overseas?
Import-ant.
Why are Scandinavians the fastest runners in the world?
Because they start out near the Finnish line.
What do cannibals eat for dessert?
Chocolate covered aunts.
I think it’s funny when I ask girls whether they would spit or swallow my seed if I was a watermelon. Unfortunately, almost all of them reply not in a hundred melon years.
What do you call a selfish bomb?
Mine.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I really messed up
Now what can I do?
Q: Patient: Doctor, sometimes I feel like I'm invisible.
A: Doctor: Who said that?
how do you convince meat juice out of a bovine?
You consomme out of him.
Where do bananas go to learn to be sweet?
Sundae School.
I went to the costume party as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
The brain is an amazing organ
it really makes you think.
I can't stand when people kick me in the back of the leg.
My computer's favorite singer is A Dell.
I wanted to catch a squirrel but I didn't know how.
So I decided to climb a tree and act like a nut.
Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon.
"I don't tan. I burn"
I hope you're ready to spend some koalaty time together.
Some people like beer goggles. I prefer wine glasses.
Did you hear about the ocean and sea having a baby?
It was a buoy!
"I'll be right back, I need to go for a pea," said the fruit during the interval.
When I see you I get a Dirty, Dirty Feeling so Don't Be Cruel and be my Earth Angel
If I had a talking parrot, the first thing I would teach it to say is "Help, they've turned me into a parrot!"
I’m browsing the winter-net.
What do the guys at the ski repair shop eat their lunch on?
Baseplates.
You’re so beautiful even the leaves fall for you.
Have you ever been on a party boat?
It’s a Yacht of fun.
What’s the difference between a conductor and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.
Tomatoes are red, roses are red too. We both know what I truly love is you.
Boy: Oh I can't believe that Jesus is so sweet! Girl: Well that's because He's a life saver!
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