Why do eggs hate jokes? Because they could crack up.
Why don't baseball players join unions?
They don't like to be called out on strike.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
This guy walks into the doctor's office with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
Are you Ebala? Because you melt my insides.
What do the guys at the ski repair shop eat their lunch on?
Baseplates.
What's the mating call of the blonde? "I'm sooooo drunk!"
When the drivers ran out of fuel in the grassland, they refueled their tanks with grass-oline!
John Travolta has been diagnosed with the Corona Virus.
He had chills that were multiplying.
What’s the difference between a marine biologist and a dog?
One tags a whale, the other wags a tail.
Why doesn’t an owl study for a test?
They prefer to wing it.
What did the ghost do at the red light? He came to a dead stop.
What do you call the shirt a neurosurgeon wears to every brain surgery?
His specialty.
How does a restaurant get the freshest ingredients? They cut a dill.
I saw a strawberry with a gun, robbing a man. I am guessing he was in a jam.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
Walked into a restroom and saw an "Out of order" sign on a urinal.
It's going to be tough to move all these urinals to get them back in the right order....
So apparently coles has a new thing where you can only have one salad per transaction
They’re calling it coleslaw..
If you're Russian when you go to the bathroom, and you're Finnish when you come out of it, what are you when you're inside?
European!
Why do tigers always hunt and eat their prey raw? Because they don't know how to cook it.
I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.
I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.
However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.
(Sarah Allen)
What kind of cheese is really good at guitar?
Shreddar.
What do you call a human that's now a cactus?
A transplant.
I love complimentary WiFi.
It makes me feel good about myself.
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
I ain't greedy baby, all I want is all you got.
My dad was the top clown at the circus, but unfortunately he passed away.
I guess I have some pretty big shoes to fill.
What is the preferred shampoo brand of truck drivers?
Lorry-el
There was an Old Man of Whitehaven,
Who danced a quadrille with a raven;
But they said, 'It's absurd
To encourage this bird!'
So they smashed that Old Man of Whitehaven.
How did the sushi cross the road?
It was rolling.
Where do vampires go to buy their art supplies? Pencilvania.
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
What type of dog does Dracula have?
A bloodhound.
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
How Do Ducks Talk?
They don't, you quack.
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
Girl sat on a swing.
Trying to sing a song for god.
Missing him, not me.
I like looking at a chart of all the chemical elements... periodically.
The man on the table found hair in his soup. He said in rage "I will take the chef to soup-reme court".
"I run so my goals in life will continue to get bigger instead of my belly."
Bill Kirby
Did you hear about the boat dock that committed murder?
He’s going to be judged by a jury of its piers.
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
What did the phone say to begin the race?
On your marks, handset, go!
I know your name is Savan-nah, but if I asked you out to drinks, could that be a Savan-yeah?
“A yawn is a silent scream for coffee…”
– Unknown
“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
What do you call a camel without humps?
Humphrey.
I was reading the book of numbers yesterday, and I realized I don’t have yours.
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