What do you call a bear without any teeth?
A gummy bear.
What do you call two fat people having a chat? A heavy discussion.
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
Why did the train have bubble gum? Because he wanted to go Choo Choo
What does a flower write on their valentine?
Aloe you vera much.
"Month of May"
For all the diapers
that you changed,
For all the playdates
you arranged.
For all the trips
back and forth to school,
For cleaning all the spit up
and the drool.
Why is there only
one Mother's Day?
You should have at least gotten
the ENTIRE month of May.
What stat do the Miami Dolphins lead every single year?
All Porpoise Yardage!
People say Frankenstein’s monster had a temper…
But actually he was surprisingly level-headed.
You know what they say about ice cream parents?
They play flavorites.
What is the strongest creature in the ocean? A mussel!
Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”
Why did the tectonic plates break up? It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
You're so beautiful; your birthday should be a national holiday.
The Secret Service surround the President with twelve cows because they were attempting to beef up their security.
Why doesn't the tooth fairy like dental instruments?
She finds them obtooth.
What do you say when you're having dinner with a skeleton? Bone appetit!
Busy Cat
I'm 8 AM and time to nap
It's 10 AM and time to relax
It's 12 PM and time to doze off
It's 3 PM and time to zonk out
It's 6 PM and time to slumber
It's 9 PM and time to snooze
It's 12 AM and time to sleep
It's 4 AM and time to hang upside down
from your bedroom ceiling, screaming
What kind of bird sticks to sweaters? a Vel-Crow.
Why does Britain like tea so much?
Because tea leaves.
Where do vampire bats go to take out a loan?
To the blood bank.
What should you do when you see Frankenstein walking towards you?
Make a bolt for it.
I thought of premeditated murder and a flash mob of crows came to my mind.
How does Santa look after the grass on his three gardens? Ho, ho ho.
Sorry, did you fart? You blow me away!
We had an argument on our way back from the tournament. Our position is that their goal was stopping ours.
Hello. Cupid called. He says to tell you that he needs my heart back.
What is a golfer’s favorite bird?
Any birdie will do.
What did the gladiator say when he was surrounded by nearly 100 men?
IC
my buddy’s sad after getting fired from taco bell, so being a caring friend i asked if he wanted to
taco bout it?
What sound drum set from the junkyard makes?
Ba-dump-tss
Q. What do you call the stench that comes from antlered roadkill?
A. A foul o-deer.
What did the broken hearted skeleton say?
After all to-marrow is another day.
Why are pirates called pirates? Cause they arrrrr.
What did E.Ts mother say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
The toilets at an AMF are known as the boweling alleys.
Hey girl, are you looking for your knight in shining armor?
Well I just happen to be wearing the full armor of God.
What do bats say to vampires?
“You suck!”
If you travel to the future and get decapitated
You'd be ahead of your time
Last week, I met someone who specialized in the studies of shrubs and grasses. He called himself Neil De-grass-y Tyson!
What did the giant octopus say to the pirate ship?
- What’s Kraken?
"Dear Brother of Mine"
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine,
You're just a year older,
which is perfectly fine.
There's no reason,
to worry nor stress.
Just relax,
and go play some chess.
I'm not saying,
your birthday should be boring.
You wouldn't want,
your guests to start snoring.
But keep in mind,
this day is all yours.
So forget about,
doing those chores.
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine.
Enjoy your birthday,
the next one is mine.
Damn girl, are you a magician’s assistant? Because I want you to disappear from my life.
Where will you find an FBI sketch artist? In the bureau drawer.
Why can’t you breed a eel with and eagle?
It’s Eeleagle.
My dear, I love you so much it hurts,
I ache to be close to you.
My heart beats wildly out my chest,
Without you I’m so sad and blue.
I’m dizzy with love, I fear being apart,
And despite the pain, I’ve got to say,
Please tell me that you know CPR, my dear,
Because you’ve taken my breath away.
What did Mama pig ask her kids every day after school?
“Hoofeels hungry?”
My history textbook says that the pharoh of Egypt used slaves to build the pyramids.
Which is kind of weird considering he could've just used bricks or something.
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
— Ellen DeGeneres
A young boy and his dad laid on the grass, looking at the sky. The boy asked, "Dad, will you teach me about the sky?"
The dad replied, "Son, it's way over your head."
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