Did you know there was a Jedi from Italy who was really strict about diets?
His name was Only One Cannoli.
"Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces."
— Judith Viorst
What did hear about the two bats meeting?
It was love at first bite!
How many consultants do you need to change a light bulb?
You’ll get an estimate a week from Monday.
What did the brain say after it got an electrical shock?
"This was a stimulating experience."
Their soccer team and the US navy had one thing in common, they both spent over $50 million on a sub.
Hey, can I borrow your water filter? Cause you’ve got me thinking impure thoughts.
What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? "Where's Popcorn?"
Hi, I'm a zombie, can I eat you?
Why don’t Alpacas like singing with background music?
They prefer to sing alpacapella.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
Why did the zombie go to the doctor?
Because of his coffin.
My dear, I love you so much it hurts,
I ache to be close to you.
My heart beats wildly out my chest,
Without you I’m so sad and blue.
I’m dizzy with love, I fear being apart,
And despite the pain, I’ve got to say,
Please tell me that you know CPR, my dear,
Because you’ve taken my breath away.
I’m saving money for bushes to plant around the yard when my career is over...
It’s my retirement hedge fund.
Where do beavers go for a hair cut? To the bobber shop.
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
My love for you burns stronger than my urinary tract infection.
Did you hear about the metamorphosis professor who just gave up on life? He really needed a change.
What's a baby gherkin's favorite TV channel?
Pickleodeon.
Daniel? More like Daaammnnn-iel
Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.
Your lips look so lonely. Would they like to meet mine?
"What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?" "I want you inside me!"
The wind had such a great time. You could say it had a blast.
I need an Imodium because I can’t hold in my love for you.
Ghosts are terrible liars because you can see right through them.
What did the numerator say to the denominator when they broke up?
I'm so over you!
Who was the most flatulent Pharaoh in all of old Egypt?
King Tootsarecommon.
Bananas
an underappreciated fruit
sentenced to banananality
because yellow
is their long suit.
(Mary Oliver Rotman)
One day, I looked to my spine and said
Thanks for all the support! Thanks to you we've grown to new heights.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
When’s your birthday?
July 23rd.
What year?
Every year.
What's the name of the meatiest Knight of the Round Table? Sir Loin!
Where does a pharaoh use the bathroom?
A pee-ramid
Is it true that a dinosaur won't attack if you hold a tree branch? That depends on how fast you carry it!
Why can I not make jokes about the recent attacks in France?
Because jokes are all about execution.
May I ride your broomstick? I lost mine.
In the mushroom bus, one mushroom said to the other, "Please scoot over, there is not mush room."
what do you need to have proper grammar?
a proper grampar.
Why did the bus driver take a long break? He needed a wheel-y good rest!
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because it's the scenter.
What did the geologist say when his doctor asked him if he was ready for his colonic? No FRACKING way!
Did you know that if you poured salt on a cat's tail it will fall off?
It's true! And if you pour pepper on a cat's tail, the pepper will also fall off.
Which hard drive is always the happiest?
Disk C:
Why aren’t dogs good dancers? Because they have two left feet!
I tried to milk my cow last night, but nothing I did seemed to work. It was an udder failure.
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
Heard the person who invented the urinals was very young.
He was a whiz kid.
Knock knock!
Who’s there? Doughnut. Doughnut Who? Doughnut forget to close the door!
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