How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
Why the skeleton doesn't go to the theater?
Because he has nobody to go with.
You're my purr-son.
What happens when you go to the beach in hell?
You get a SaTan.
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Noah.
Noah who?
Noah good place we can get something to eat?
A friend of mine asked me to go hunting up in a dangerous mountain range.
I didn't bother because i thought the steaks were too high
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
Did you hear about the little grape who didn’t want to be made into wine?
Unfortunately, he was pressed into service!
What was the puppy's costume for Halloween?
The Big Bad Woof.
“I believe it’s a cook’s moral obligation to add more butter given the chance.”
― Michael Ruhlman
How will you save yourself if you come across an aggressive alien? Give him some space.
Did You Hear About The Duck With A Drug Problem?
He was a quackhead.
Soup is only musical when it is piping hot.
What spread do astronauts use on their toast?
. . . Space jam
What happened when the koala tripped and fell in a crowded restaurant? He got embearassed.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
“Is it Monday already? I’m almost positive I did not get my entire portion of the weekend.”
I'm feeling exceptionally alone in this cold weather. It's probably because I'm completely ice-olated.
What’s Frankenstein’s favorite food?
Frankenfurters.
If I had a star for every time you brightened my day, I'd have a galaxy in my hand.
Hey girl, did you know I'm a cashier?
Because I'm totally checking you out.
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
How do pink birds make friends? They fla-mingle.
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it."
Anonymous
What do you call a Viking who is really good at basketball?
a Vallhalla Balla.
Hey baby, are you my flight? Because I wish I could catch you.
Are you a New Years resolution? Because we stopped working out after the first two weeks
I bought a bunch of antique spears online, but they arrived without their spear heads.
I got shafted.
How does bread woo a lover?
With lots of flours.
What do you get when you plant kisses? Tu-lips (two-lips)
We have two turkeys at our house
'cause Mom and Gramma fight.
Neither one of them believes
the other roasts it right.
There's also two of stuffing,
two of home-made berry sauce.
Let's face it, there are two of each,
'cause both of them are boss.
We eat it all , some food from both,
in order to be nice.
We also make quite sure that when
we burp -- that we burp twice!
- Denise Rodgers
Some people think nuclear physics is interesting.
Well, in my opinion it's really Bohring.
If you had fifteen cows and five goats what would you have?
Plenty of milk.
You’re so beautiful you make me want to bloom.
What was stolen from the music store? The lute.
How does a car express love to another?
‘I a door you.’
Hey you like cherry preserves ?
Never mind, its probably not your jam
here do lobsters go to borrow money? The prawn broker.
What do you call a fruit that is rough around the edges? A bad apple.
Are you that one more chapter? You keep me awake most of the time.
What runs around a garden but never moves? A fence.
He threw three free throws.
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are at the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
Why do army snipers close one eye while shooting?
Because if they closed both eyes they wouldn't be able to see.
If a person would have several friends,
here's the thing upon which it depends;
are you willing to share
when there isn't much there
and burn up your day from both ends.
(By Steve Mckee)
How about we play a fun game called Haida totem pole?
I just got some mistletoe, how about we go back to my place and try it out?
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