How do pirates prefer to communicate?
Aye to aye!
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
- Ambrose Bierce.
Let me be a chicken nugget, and take a dip in your sauce.
Why can’t people hear your scream in the space? Because it’s miles away.
What's a redneck's favorite beer?
An open one.
What did the Psychologist tell the geologist? "Every decline is a great Break Through"
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
Someone asked me recently why I don't put any ketchup or mustard on my hotdog
And I told them it's because I just wanna relish it.
What do you call a medieval horse in the army
A knight-mare
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
I used to search for clams on the beach
But then I pulled a mussel.
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
What do you call a painting by a cat of herself? A self paw-trait.
What do you call nomadic gnomes?
Gnomads.
What would you call someone who cheats others while selling milk? A skim artist.
“Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.”
Anthony Burgess
You spilled your entire cup of coffee? What's sumatra with you?
Who else is a famous barnyard painter?
Pablo PIGcaso
Why do witches fly on broomsticks?
Because vacuum cleaner cords aren’t long enough.
My vaccine dad joke failed.
But it was worth a shot.
Nice asteroids.
4G, or not 4G, that is the question.
What does the sun drink out of?
Sunglasses!
Can I have directions?
To your heart.
We must be a cast on a spiral fracture, girl. Because we’re on a serious break.
What are you doing hanging out in aisle 3? You clearly belong in aisle 9. Aisle 10 is within arm's reach but that all depends on whether or not you'll have dinner with me.
Summer's over; it's time to chill.
I used to be addicted to time travel,
but that's all in the past now.
A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic.
A chicken walks up to him and says, "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."
Why does the paparazzi beaver have a camera pointing towards the river? To keep up with current events and give main-stream updates.
Why was the medieval architect always going to the beaches? So that he could build the perfect sandcastle!
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
Contrary to belief, Wikipedia actually has less factual errors than traditional printed encyclopedias.
Source: Wikipedia
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd.
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor?
What sound does a llama’s doorbell make?
Llama llama ding dong.
German tourist visits France.
Guy at the Airport: "Nationality?"
German Dude: "German".
Airport Guy: "Occupation?"
German Dude: "Nein, nein, Only Vacation".
When is a pumpkin not a pumpkin? When you drop it; then it's squash!
What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A roamin’ numeral.
Are you a cat? Because you look purrrfect!
Are you going to a beauty contest? Because you are looking damn beautiful.
What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.
If you were a function, then you’d be my asymptote ’cause I always tend toward you!
Q. What do you call the stench that comes from antlered roadkill?
A. A foul o-deer.
Scientists permit us to see the sun in different light.
I know my shot was in. But I won’t argue, because I’m not up for the challenge.
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