What did the pun say to his annoying colleague?
You're being pun-reasonable right now!
Why did the zombie take a sick day?
She had cold symp-tombs.
How do worms measure their length?
They ask a tape worm to help out!
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
Are those space pants? Cause your ass is out of this world.
Why do dwarves hunt dragons in the morning?
Because the early beard gets the wyrm.
My mother's sister can carry 50 times her own weight
She's my aunt
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
Where do bad jokes about skeletons belong?
In the skelebin.
What was the first car Henry Fordasaurus invented? A Model T-Rex.
"His insomnia was so bad, he couldn’t sleep during office hours."
~ Arthur Baer
“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.”
- Robert Brault
What's the best way to stuff a turkey? Serve him lots of pizza and ice cream!
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
What kind of dance do single people do on Valentine's Day?
The Independance!
Me without you is like the Easter egg hunt without the Easter Eggs.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Urine.
Urine who?
Urine trouble if you don’t answer the door.
Why did the Beatles stop inviting Ringo to Thanksgiving?
Because he wouldn't share the drumsticks.
I’m so glad prohibition was repealed, because I’m drunk on you.
What do you call a fishing boat with a great stereo?
bass boat.
That’s a bit mulch.
Why did Mrs. Wine Grape run away from home?
She was tired of raisin a family.
What's a dragon's favorite snack?
Fire Crackers!
You’re sucrose, you’re glucose,
You’re fructose and more,
From your head to your feet…
Which are stuck to the floor.
You’re Hershey’s, you’re Snickers,
You’re sweet English Toffee.
If you spit in my cup,
You’ll just sweeten my coffee.
I love you so much
That I’m getting frenetic,
But I can’t even kiss you,
’cause I’m diabetic.
(Kenneth J. Miller)
What do you call a toddler running towards their mother with arms high up in the air?
A quick pick-me-up.
An idea is one of the worst killers of vampires. They don't see it coming, and then it dawns on them.
Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?
Classical conditioning.
I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though my wife says it's weird.
I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat.
What part of the brain deals with knowledge about plants?
The treefrontal cortex.
I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs.
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus To 66
What do cheese makers dance to on halloween? The muenster mash!
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
What does a ghost panda eat?
BamBOO!
Which word can be used to describe a peach that is surprised, shocked, or angry with strong emotion? – Speachless!
How is it that elephants are always ready for a swim?
They never forget their trunks!
I got in touch with my inner self today...That's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper
"Warning... I'm exercising, eating right and watching my alcohol intake... which means I'm sober, I'm cranky and I'm sore, so proceed with caution!"
Are you a ghost? Because you’ve been haunting my dreams.
What do you call the story of a poor witch that just became a millionaire?
Rags to witches story.
Damn girl, are you a magician’s assistant? Because I want you to disappear from my life.
Britain’s most common owl? The teatowel.
I can’t afford to pay for electricity anymore; these are some dark times.
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
Please stop making jokes about little people
How would you feel if a bunch of giants made jokes about you?
Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who traveled in thirty different countries and learned to speak six languages? He was a man of many cultures.
How does the recipe for German Sauerbraten begin? "First invade ze kitchen."
What ingredient is essential when baking a Star Wars cake?
Bicarbonate of Yoda
What kind of cookies do vulcans love? Spockolate chips.
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