What color socks do bears wear?
They don’t wear socks, they have bear feet.

What is a cat’s favorite color? Purr-ple.

Why was the bus driver so confused? He was 'bus-t' in traffic!

Whatever floats your goat.

“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams

Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.

I got a pear stuck in my toilet. All I needed to do was flush and it was gone.
Because a flush always beats a pair.

Why was the hard drive scared of the large file?
Because it was a terror-byte.

Join us for plenty of play action.

“I cannot go to school today,"
Said little Peggy Ann McKay.
“I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.
My mouth is wet, my throat is dry,
I’m going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I’ve counted sixteen chicken pox
And there’s one more--that’s seventeen,
And don’t you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut--my eyes are blue--
It might be instamatic flu.
I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I’m sure that my left leg is broke--
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button’s caving in,
My back is wrenched, my ankle’s sprained,
My ‘pendix pains each time it rains.
My nose is cold, my toes are numb.
I have a sliver in my thumb.
My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.
My elbow’s bent, my spine ain’t straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There is a hole inside my ear.
I have a hangn

What was the skeleton’s favorite Christmas candy?
Bone-bone.

Why didn't the peasants attend the Egyptian king's open palace party?
The address was "2, Pharaoh Way"

What did the aged cheddar say when his mom told him he couldn’t see a movie that was rated R?
“I’m mature for my age.”

Why did the mouse stay inside? Because it was raining cats and dogs.

It’s so cold it’s colder than any room packed with ex-wives.

This joke is like the time I slipped and fell into a salad.
Corny on the Cobb.

What is a bat’s favorite dessert?
Pineapple upside-down cake.

What do you call a baby tree struck by lightning?
A zapling.

Knock, Knock

Who’s there?

Can!

Can who?

Can I worm my way in to your house!

I hope the only things that blow are candles and balloons. Have a great birthday!

Are you the online order I placed a few days ago? Cause I’ve been waiting for you all day.

What did the Bluetooth say as the ship went down?
"Help! We’re syncing!"

I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.
I usually smoke Marlboro but hey... a deal's a deal.

Flat-Earthers hate the fact our planet is spherical, whereas Asgard is flat.
It's a Thor subject for them.

What noise does a gorilla’s doorbell make?
King Kong

The artist painted himself into a corner, leading to his death.

One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..

What is the mermaid’s favorite drink?
A mertini.

Jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains.
This gives me hope for the next generation.

Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.

What do you call a socialite made of cheese?
Paris Stilton.

A man was once offended
By a pun writing contest he entered
He submitted ten
Sure that one would win
But alas no pun in ten did.

Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick butt at the same time

I'm snow bored.

If you go out with me, I promise I won’t take you for granite.

I've always considered mountain plateaus to be the highest forms of flattery.

“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”

How did murderers hide the body in medieval times?
They start by dragon it.

Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs.

“Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.”
– George Carlin

Did you hear about the monk who was caught molesting kids? Yeah, bastard was telling the poor kids to touch his eunuch-horn.

What do alligators call human children?
Appetizers.

My brother once froze a dollar in a block of ice
It was cold hard cash.

What was the Peach's favorite surf band from the 60's? The Peach Boys.

Are you tinsel? Because I want you all over my tree.

What do penguins sing at a birthday party?
Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow.

I just gotta say, you and that dog are looking awfully fetching in your photos.

Q: What is a tornado’s favorite Elton John song?
A: Candle in the Wind!

What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!

If a star fell every time I thought of you, the sky would be dark at night.