Why does a little cherry always look up to its parents? It tries to follow in their fruitsteps.
If you were a baseball field could I hit a homerun.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
I saw a pig with laryngitis.
He was disgruntled.
Which birds go to church a lot?
Birds of pray.
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
If there were ten cats in a boat and one jumped out, how many would be left? None, because they were all copycats!
Let's 'bag' this place and go get a coffee. And yes, I am proud of that pun.
Why do mice have long tails?
Well, they’d look silly with long hair!
There was an Old Man of Kilkenny,
Who never had more than a penny;
He spent all that money,
In onions and honey,
That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny.
I thought my ballet-themed body art was unique
But then I saw someone who had a tutu tattoo, too.
I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.
Did you hear about the mother goat telling jokes?
She’s a real kidder.
"I'm not sure what makes pepperoni so good if it's the pepper or the oni."
— Ulrik Stephens
I'm feeling exceptionally alone in this cold weather. It's probably because I'm completely ice-olated.
Help!!! There's nobody steering this yacht!!
Don't worry. It's on yachtopilot.
You have beautiful eyes. Oh, wait, those are your wings. Why you gotta be so scary?
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West
In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!
“Demanding something from a Scorpio is a sure way to not have it happen.”
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
Why can't chefs play baseball? They always get caught trying to steal a basil.
Why did the witch's team lose the cricket game?
Their bats flew away.
Where do fish wash? In a river basin.
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
Groucho Marx
What do you call two female lovers spying on the government?
Lesbionage.
Q: What did the sign for the party for beavers say?
A: Beaver or be square.
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
“Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.”
— Harvey Specter
Wow, two teaspoons? Lucky for you, I’m a pretty good spooner myself.
Why did the vegetarian stop running cross country?
He did not like the meets.
"I mead more wine."
It’s a season of giving, so you should give me your phone number.
Permission to board?
Julius Caesar ordered pizza for the senate at Theatre of Pompey
Casca: How could you not order enough pizza for everyone?
Julius: But there was enough for everybody to have a slice...
Brutus: I ate 2 slices.
Julius: ATE TWO, BRUTE?
Where do horses go on vacation?
Flankfurt.
Why did he skeleton go to the barbecue? To get another rib.
Is your name chocolate, because you make my seratonin levels rise and give me a sense of pleasure.
When I tell you how much I love you, I'm not overreacting.
Q: Why was young Tutankhamun home from school?
A: He caught a gold.
At what point will you love to change your bulbs the most?
When sparks fly.
The game of golf is 90-percent mental…
And 10-percent mental.
"I believe that the good Lord gave us a finite number of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running up and down a street."
Neil Armstrong
Are you a Victoria's Secret model? Because heaven's missing an Angel.
How does santa get his Reindeer to fly? He uses Red Bull because it gives you wings!
What do you call a hobbit who has bad breath? He is known as Lord of Onion Rings!
What do you get when you cross a giraffe and a pig?
Bacon and legs.
What part of the body do you only see during Christmas? mistletoe.
I'd tell you about a girl that eats nothing but vegetables,
but I'm sure you've herbivore.
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