Where does a Portuguese skeleton live?
Lis-bone
Did you hear about the croc and rooster that had a kid together?
It was a crocadoodledoo.
“Did you know the actual difference between hill and hell is just a fine line?”
While leaving, the peach friend told his sad buddy, "If you need any help, just peach out, I will be there."
If I had a talking parrot, the first thing I would teach it to say is "Help, they've turned me into a parrot!"
Damn girl, I must be reading a book because you are FINE print.
"I crossed a time zone and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, I can become immortal."
- Jarod Kintz
Next time you’re feeling down, just remember: your plants are rooting for you. Literally!
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeno business!
You can stand under my umbrella.
I'd tell you about a girl that eats nothing but vegetables,
but I'm sure you've herbivore.
Why did the skeleton have to testify in court?
Because he was a body of evidence.
Teacher: Use a sentence that starts with "I"
Bobby: I is...
Teacher: No, Bobby. You should say "I am", never "I is".
Bobby: "I am the 9th letter of the alphabet."
An electrolyte and a solvent are talking in jail.
Solvent: What are you in for?
Electrolyte: A salt charge.
Hey girl, feel my sweater. Know what it's made of?
Boyfriend material.
What do you get when you cross an orange with a parrot? A carrot.
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
Let's boomerbang!
There was an Ol Man of Quebec,
A beetle ran over his neck;
But he cried, 'With a needle,
I'll slay you, O beadle!'
That angry Old Man of Quebec.
What do you call unwanted revealing comments about a movie?
Spoilers.
What’s an orange’s favourite animal? An orange-utan.
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
Q: Why did the pillow go to the doctor?
A: He was feeling all stuffed up!
Who is a snake’s favorite author?
William Snakespeare.
I told the person who was playing my trumpet,
To stop pushing my buttons.
What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? She moved.
What do you get when you cross a chili pepper, a shovel and a terrier?
A hot-diggity-dog.
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator!
It’s so cold that even the polar bears started drinking hot chocolate.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a KFC on the other side.
One or two hours warm my heart,
But 24 hours make my day.
What is the similarity between a male deer and a beaver? Both have buck teeth.
A friend of mine was taking a bath when he realised he wasn’t a very good burglar.
Just saw a burglar kicking his own door in.
I asked: “What are you doing?”
“Working from home.”
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
I used to store motivational quotes that I found online, onto the cloud, for whenever I needed some inspiration.
Unfortunately I forgot the password for my Google account.
I have no Drive.
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly's girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
What do you call a group of guys waiting to get their hair cut?
A Barbecue.
What do witches put on their bagels?
Scream cheese.
Why did the peach go to the therapist? It was in a pit of despair.
The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realized I only had a £20 note.
I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"
I decided I didn't so I gave him the money
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Tentacles.
What did the lightning strike survivor say when interviewed?
"It was shockingly powerful. Like, it really Hertz"
When the pig had a quarrel with his wife, he ended up having a gilt trip.
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
Charles M. Schulz
If you were a bouquet of fresh-cut flowers, I would take you home.
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.
I took a blood test today
It was easy. I got A+, and I didn't even have to study!
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