How did the skeleton bring his groceries home from the market?
He used his Cart-ilage.
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillowcases? Their making headlines...
What do you call a Mexican unicorn? Junicorn.
Why was the gnome just standing over his lawnmower and crying?
Because he hit a rough patch.
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
"Wine a little, laugh a lot."
What type of diet did the snowman go on?
The Meltdown Diet.
“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
What do runners eat before a big race?
Fast food.
"Everyone should believe in something. I believe I should be on the beach drinking Margaritas."
College-age vampires only ever shop in one place - Forever 21.
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fossil
Fossil who?
Fossil last time, open the door!
When I refused to have the soup, my sister said "People who do not have soup are stew-pid".
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
Every koala supports the idea of being able to defend themselves against tyranny. They believe in having the right to bear claws.
What did the motivational speaker say?
Don’t take life for granite.
Are you a mosquito? ‘Cause I’m a sucker for you.
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
What did the koala radio host say before going on a commercial break? “We’re going to take a small paws for our sponsors.”
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot.
It caused immense pain to ma toes.
I don’t wanna taco ‘bout it
Expand your mind. Get
To work. Better yet, put your
Feet up. Watch TV.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
What did snow white say when she came out of the photo booth?
Some day my prints will come.
I read Reims of info before I got here, but nothing can prepare you for how beautiful this place is.
I used to be the triangle player in a Jamaican band but I had to quit....
It was always just one ting after another.
"I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful."
What do dog scientists to with their bones?
They barium.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, want me to jump off this chairlift for you? 'Cause I think I could fall for you.
Why is the barn so noisy?
Because all of the cows have horns
I was waiting at the airport baggage carousel, and noticed that everyone else had a better bag than me.
It was ....the worst case scenario.
May I ride your broomstick? I lost mine.
My cardiologist friend keeps sending me x-rays of his chest.
A bit weird, I know, but it just shows his heart is in the right place.
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Taking a bite and finding half a worm.
Where my prose at?
What was Michael Jackson's favorite Spanish food?
Jamon!
A Chinese Guy stands next to me in a bar and starts drinking
I asked him: "Do you know any of those martial arts like Ju jitsu, or Kung Fu?"
"Why do you ask, is it because I'm Chinese?"
"No it's because you're drinking my beer."
“Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” – Benjamin Franklin
Is your iPad making you fall asleep?
I can help—there’s a nap for that.
“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
I saw a guy on the train holding a newspaper in front of his face.
He was behind The Times.
On the 7th day, God rested … and Chuck Norris took over.
All the jingle ladies, all the jingle ladies.
Do you need prayer?
Because I'm willing to lay hands on you.
What do sloths throw in winter? Slowballs.
Hold still, there's a mosquito on your a$$.
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