How does a Pegasus ask her boyfriend to propose?
She says “You’ve got to put a wing on it.”
Constipated people don’t give a crap.
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
I'm really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today,
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Pasta!
Pasta who?
Italian chef who pasta away.
"A bad day at sea is still better than a good day at work."
If I ever find out the name of the surgeon who messed up my limb transplant, I’ll kill him…
With my bear hands.
Where are werewolf movies made?
Howl-lywood.
A drummer got a tattoo of a drum kit on himself
It was very cymbalic.
How do you stop your dog from barking in your front yard?
Put him in your backyard.
What do you call a baker with a cold?
Coughee cake.
I'm using a bra for a face mask.
I like to keep abreast of corona security measures.
There was an Old Man, on whose nose,
Most birds of the air could repose;
But they all flew away
At the closing of day,
Which relieved that Old Man and his nose.
My favorite music is by Spandau Croc-quet.
Where do owls go on their honeymoon?
Their love nest.
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
Remind your kids not to overdo it on the pumpkin pie this time of year.
Or they might get autumn'y ache.
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
I've been searching for three years for my mother-in-law's killer... but apparently no one will do it.
My feelings for you are Mont-real.
I tried to make a poo but could only squeeze out a p**.
I must be missing some bowels.
There was a Young Lady of Clare,
Who was sadly pursued by a bear;
When she found she was tired,
She abruptly expired,
That unfortunate Lady of Clare.
What did the orange say to the lemon?
"'yello!"
[Donuts] We’re going the hole nine yards for this game.
What type of cat will keep your garden looking nice and tidy? A lawn meower.
Q: Why did peas jump out of an airplane?
A: They wanted to be air pods.
There was an Old Man of Moldavia,
Who had the most curious behaviour;
For while he was able,
He slept on a table.
That funny Old Man of Moldavia.
What happens when you buy too much ice cream?
Breyer’s remorse.
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
A man once said when is Monday coming? His wife said Mon-soon.
What do you call a chicken that was struck by lightning?
Air fried.
What kind of money does deer use?
“Bucks!”
Where does the sun hide at night? Just keep looking for it, it'll dawn on you soon!
What might folks in Tokyo find between Godzilla's toes?
Slow runners.
Q. Why did the gorilla go to the barber?
A. He was concerned about his ape-pearance.
What do you call babies with guns?
Infantry.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
I was visiting my dear old Grandpa the other day when he said to me, "Let me give you a bit of advice. You can't make an omelette..."
"Without breaking eggs?" I finished for him.
"No. You can't make an omelette," he said, as he scraped it into the bin.
What do you call a girl with no arms, no legs, sitting in a watermelon patch?
“Melanie! (melon-y)”
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
“A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawnmower is broken.”
– James Dent
What did the mushroom say after the car accident? Help I’m a truffle!
Why did the beaver cross the river? To get to the other side of the river.
I'm thinking about writing a book about lamps. I think its a bright idea
What’s the difference between two lawyers in a Porsche and a porcupine?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
Why didn’t the chef slice his cheese?
He had grater plans.
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