Man: Do you work at the Bakery, cause you have a nice set of buns.
Woman: Do you work at a Grocery store? Then why are you checking me out?
What's faster - lightning, light, or diarrhea?
Diarrhea. Because I ran like lightning to the bathroom, turned on the light, but the diarrhea was already there.
Why did the students eat their homework?
Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
What do you call the last skeleton on earth?
The end-o skeleton.
“I love yoga, but the namaste thing only takes you so far.” — Jillian Michaels
“Imagine if fire extinguishers were full of snow. Imagine the fun we could have.”
– Neil Hilborn
Why didn’t the skeleton scare the trick-or-treaters on Halloween?
He didn’t have the heart.
Why are leaves always getting into risky business? They keep having to go out on a limb.
What do you call a rock that never goes to school?
A skipping stone!
Both tournament directors published the schedule at the same time. It was a draw.
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
What do you call a man in the ocean with no arms and no legs? Bob.
“Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.” —Michael Dresser
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
I checked the meat thermometer, and you’re officially one hot bird.
Why did all the passengers on the right side of the ship have dead cell phones?
They weren’t on the port side of the ship.
Hey is your name Cameron? Cuz I’d love a Camera-n to capture that gorgeous face of yours.
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West
Historians have discovered a new Greek God who didn’t excel at anything.
His name was mediocretese.
What do you call an alien spaceship that's leaking water?
A crying saucer.
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
What did the nectarine say after the church service? The peacher gave a great sermon!
What do troll mathematicians like to solve?
Parabolems?
What does a piece of cheese tell you during a game of tag?
Cheez it.
Another term for hair that's tied up in a bun is
a hairball
What do you call a FISH with no Eyes? A FSH.
Hi, I'm the Easter Bunny and I don't care if you are naughty or nice!
What do you call the generation of people that migrated from Italy?
Genitalia.
Why didn't the lemon juice like the soap?
Because he was basic.
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.
Bee warned.
Bee puns really sting.
Phil told me about what lights up a light bulb.
But I didn’t know what Phil-a-meant.
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
Are you a human? Just making sure.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital? He felt crummy!
Are you a cactus?
Because you're a prick
I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flour...
My teacher said, I'm the perfect roll model.
The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”
That was some sound advice.
What do you call a greedy ant?
An anteater.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
What does a caped monkey superhero drive?
A banana-mobile.
I'd steer clear of dating a dyslexic bus driver.
Sure, they may take you places, but there'll be mixed signals along the way.
What is one way to save money when you go to the lake?
Buy a “sale boat.”
Hey, I found you! You are the girl of my dreams.
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
There was an Old Man of Calcutta,
Who perpetually ate bread and butter,
Till a great bit of muffin,
On which he was stuffing,
Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta.
What did the flirty coat say to the jacket?
"Do you hang here often?"
The only thing hotter than today is you.
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