Why are glow worms good to carry in your bag? They can lighten your load.
Which superhero likes spring the best?
Robin.
When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
Your name must be Autumn because I am falling for you.
Who do elephants get their Christmas presents from?
Elephanta Claus.
Set or be set. This is certainly the right way to look at things.
Man in a cinema watching a cowboy film.
A stagecoach pulls up, man 1 turns to his neighbour and says "I bet you a tenner that the first cowboy bangs his head on the doorframe." Man 2 accepts the bet. The first guy out banged his head so man 2 pays up.
Man 1 feels guilty and gives back the tenner, says "I'm sorry, I saw this film last week, it made me feel bad taking your money."
Man 2 says "So did I, but I didn't think he'd be daft enough to do it again."
Why was the cat not allowed on the computer? Because she tried to catch the mouse!
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
The basic rule in the bowling game is to ensure you leave no pin standing.
Vincent vowed vengeance very vehemently.
I’m soy into you.
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the kelp-wanted section.
Not all math puns are bad.
Just sum.
What do you call a man with no legs and no arms resting on a porch?
Matt.
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because you obviously landed on your face.
My wife: Oh look, here's instructions on building a carpenter bee trap.
Me: Shouldn't they be able to do that themselves?
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
The last four letters of 'queue' are not silent
They're just waiting their turn.
When you offered me love, I lepton it!
I was sitting there quietly, eating a bag of potato chips, when my wife came in and shouted at me…
''What's wrong with you, moron!?''
Shocked, I asked, ''What?!''
''Open the bloody bag!''
What do you call a sloth that barely moves a muscle? A slow-off (show off).
"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers
What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.
What is the difference between a car and a bull?
A car only has one horn.
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog.
What do you call Dragon with no silver?
A dron.
---
You think dinosaurs are scary?
Imagine dragons!
What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.
I stopped for lunch at a German restaurant, but unfortunately got food poisoning. It really was the wurst.
What do you give a sick snake?
Asp-rin.
I didn't think I was a snowman, but you just made my heart melt
It was the pie piper who had led the strawberries to the bakery.
How many insects do you need to make money from your rental property?
Ten-ants.
Pad kid poured curd pulled cod.
What's a girl like you doing in a place like this when there's a Battlestar Gallactica marathon on right now on the Sci Fi channel.
Happy birthday, you're not getting old,
Stay in the game, it's not time to fold.
Wrinkles and grey hair, are just a new look,
Countless experiences, you should write in a book.
Do you wanna see a magic trick? Watch me pull something out of my pants!
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
Musicians?
Oh yeah, we think outside the Bach’s.
My printer just told me it was joining a band.
Makes sense since it lives to jam.
I went to Oxford University, where I was a philosophy major and the starting goalkeeper on the football team.
They called me Soccertes.
Q: What did the wind turbine say to the engineer after he fixed him?
A: I’m a big fan of your work!
Why did the poor werewolf chase his own tail?
He was trying to make ends meet.
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said “I’m confused,” I’d be thinking “where the heck did all these nickels come from?”
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
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