What rock would you find inside a garden shed?
Shedimentary.
I am glad my mobile phone has GPS because I am totally getting lost in your beautiful eyes.
What cheese cries the most?
Babybel.
I was washing the car with my son, until he said...
“Dad, please, can’t you just use a sponge?”
Why did the skeleton start a fight?
He had a bone to pick.
I'm pretty sure I was blind before I met you.
Why don’t alligators watch movies?
Because they live in swamps.
Where do American trees like to go for vacations in Canada? Montreeal.
“When it comes to staying young, a mind-lift beats a face-lift any day.” – Marty Buccella
What do you call a cold, angry pig? A ham-brr-grr.
"Europeans: I drove 40 minutes to spend the weekend in Paris, then popped to Germany to visit family on the way home. Australians: I was in Queensland and drove for 18 hours. Now I’m still in Queensland."
Guy: "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?"
Girl: "No, but I did scrape my knees a couple times crawling up from hell."
I heard kissing is the language of love so...
Do you wanna start a conversation?
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
Don't worry, bee happy!
How do you celebrate orange drink that doesn't expire?
Woo! Tang is forever!
Hey baby, wanna violate the Pauli Exclusion Principle with me?
I was asked who my favorite vampire was. I said it was the Muppet from Sesame Street.
They said, he doesn't count!
I replied, "I can assure you, he does!"
Why does it take a while before a peach leaves a fruit basket? They have to give a goodbye peach first.
"Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."
– Mitch Hedberg
What is a Ghost’s favourite film? Paranormal Activity.
What is the ocean’s favorite lullaby?
Roe, Roe, Roe Your Boat.
What does a fish say when he makes a mistake?
It was just a fluke!
Are you the energizer bunny cause you just keep going and going through my mind.
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
What did the mushroom’s sing when they won the closed-cup? - We are the champignons!
Are you a campfire? Cause you are hot and I want s’more.
Do you know what rhymes with cucumber?
Can I get your phone number?
I never count my chickens before they're hatched.
Because they're eggs.
You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
What do you call a guitar used to play pool?
A cue stick.
What do zombies say to their sweethearts?
- I chew-s you.
Adolescence: A stage between infancy and adultery
Kevin Goldstein-Jackson
What do you call a laughing motorcycle? A Yamahahaha
"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
What do you call a house that likes food? a Condoment!
Does anyone remember the joke about the sodium deposits? Na.
What did the mama elf say to her mischievous child?
“Stop elvesdropping on Santa!”
My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"
I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is bloody annoying sometimes.
I knew a guy that got struck by lightning twice.
It was a re-volting scene.
Berries are the most fashionista of the fruits, they can really cherry off the wildest outfits.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
Get clover it, babe.
What happens to romantic trees on Valentine’s Day? They get all sappy.
The difference between popcorn and pea soup, is that you can pop corn, but you can't pea soup.
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature? Tequila mockingbird.
What do computers do on a beach vacation?
Surf the net.
How did the realtor compliment his wife?
He said, “Real estate values will go up and down, but you will remain beautiful forever.”
If you are wondering about a peach's favorite video game, well it's definitely 'Super Princess Peach'.
What type of apartment does a pun live in?
The pun-thouse!
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