I thought about studying the astronomy for my university. But then I thought, I would just be taking up space.
What is a cat’s favorite state of America? Connecti-cat.
Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy
What do crows read? Cawmics.
Was talking to a record producer at the urinals the other day...
Next thing you know I had a number one on my hands.
I wish I had some butter for them biscuits.
What position does a ghoul play on the soccer team?
Ghoulie!
Don’t make such a Dreyfus about it.
What do athletes drink before games? Sport-Tea.
There was a fish who wanted to be a broadcaster...
Until he went on air.
Why did the broom decide to go to bed?
He was getting sweepy
Keep calm and carrot on.
My wife hates my collection of old snake skins.
So I have to keep them in the shed.
Are you an alien? Because you just abducted my heart.
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." —Redd Foxx
Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position.
What did the confused cat say? I’m purr-plexed!
When Mr. Mushroom saw Miss Mushroom, he didn’t hesitate to ask her out on a date because he had she was such a fungi-rl.
What do you call a dead flamingo?
A flaminghost.
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
Why does everyone want ice cream to be on their team?
Because with them, anything is popsicle.
Are you a classic? Because my love for you is timeless.
Take off all your cloves.
My Roomba accidentally rolled out of my front door, and the neighborhood squirrels and rabbits immediately started attacking it.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
I nearly kicked my dog out, but we renegotiated the terms of his leash.
I'll make love to you if you want me to.
Who's a pickle's favorite artist?
Salvador Dilli.
Why did the strawberries turned red? Because they saw the salad dressing.
Why don't the Maple Leafs drink tea? Because the Canadiens and Red Wings have all the cups.
Swallowing a cherry stone is not the end of the world. It’s just one of life’s little pitfalls.
Making puns ha?
Toucan play that game.
All right, everyone, that’s enough! Gno more games!
I've seen a meteor shower,
but never seen a meteor take a bath.
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
“Elves are always defending the shape of their ears. They make some good points.”
One more thyme.
I saw the chicken quickly crossing the basketball court? Then I remembered that the referee was blowing fowls.
Did you hear about the crocodile who was unable to mate?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
I'm at my best during overtime.
Daughter: I think I'm going to put my hair in a bun tomorrow.
Dad: We're all out. You'll have to use bread.
Why does nobody talk to circles?
Because there is no point!
I started a job making plastic Dracula figurines but there’s only two of us in the production line.
I have to make every second Count.
Hey, is your name daisy? Because I can’t resist the urge to plant you right over my heart.
"Straight ahead for a bit then there's a sharp left, so take it slowly." I said.
"The screen is for MY benefit, Mr. Anderson," said the doctor, "and this isn't my first colonoscopy."
I used to make extra money by selling illegal tennis equipment on the side, but I was approached by some thugs who told me to stop.
I guess they control the Tennis Racket around here.
It’s worth a shot.
What do witches put on their bagels?
Scream cheese.
Why are cats scared of trees?
Because of their bark.
"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it."
Anonymous
What do you call a white crow?
A caw-casian.
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